Why too much self-help actually creates suffering
For 17 years I was a good spiritual student and self-help junkie. I was well versed in concepts like self-love and self-worth. Concepts like “our thoughts create our reality” and “happiness is a choice” permeated much of my thinking. I had accepted everyone for where they were at, at their level of consciousness. I believed unconditional love, forgiveness, and gratitude would deliver landslides of peace, joy, and abundance.
I worked on my chakras. I had taken my inventory, “my stories” were not real, and I knew none of this physical experience mattered anyway.
But what I learned the hard way was that none of this had anything to do with Love; that this was a backward way of trying to live from my heart. I was working on the connection to myself, and ultimately something larger than Self, through my mind.
As a result, I had all the right intentions and concepts, but none of the right feelings. Good intentions + wrong feelings = spiritual junk-food.
What is this journey about?
In spiritual circles it is well known that we are not just humans, but that we are souls having a human experience. We are unlimited beings here in manifestation having a temporary physical experience, and while all that is true, it’s just incomplete.
We are souls, creative life force energy who CHOSE to come here and have a human experience, which translates as this: none of this is an accident, including our criminal egos and broken hearts. There is not one part of being human that is flawed.
If we had only wanted a “true nature experience,” we would never have left or given up our true nature to come here.
But we did. And even if you believe that this was somehow just a Big-Bang accident and that the intricacies of our humanity and our planet are completely random, wouldn’t it feel more nourishing to be of service to Love through the gift of our humanity as opposed to resisting?
In order to connect with that which we are – which is love, the illusion of separation is essential.
Without physical form, we are just Universe or Source energy that can’t experience herself.
Human reality is one glorious hodgepodge of magnificent, heartbreaking, heart-opening, messiness and chaos for a reason – to gift us the opportunity to open our hearts in the most impossible and heartbreaking situations – especially with ourselves.
As people who are “waking up,” it’s easy to get caught up in the madness of chasing empowerment, escaping our denser energetic bodies and battling the craziness of our minds. All more ego – just spiritually acceptable ego and a way to stand in further judgment and dissociation of our natural processes.
As intelligent, bright and masterful women, we’ve been jammed up into our headspace with more education at the expense of learning how to be vulnerable and more loving with ourselves. Which is in fact, the only way to heal and access deep, abiding, soulful, love and compassion.
We’ve put an extraordinary amount of focus on our egos and limiting beliefs, which are actually messengers for our broken hearts. We’ve placed high-minded ideals above understanding the relational, developmental and conditional aspects of being human, which creates more shame and frustration because we are constantly striving to achieve another level of “I have to stop something or muscle through something or be something to get somewhere” which the ego loves.
But what if we could start creating our lives through learning how to open our hearts more?
What if our wounds and pain-points and triggers were the only way to be vulnerable and access compassion?
The limiting “stories” we tell ourselves, our “ways of being” that aren’t working for us are really just a tender, unhealed part of us waiting to finally be seen, loved and integrated.
The rumination of the mind is a distraction technique to keep us from sinking down into our bodies and allowing the uncomfortable messages from our disowned beliefs and feelings to come up and guide us to internal release and healing.
We can “master our mind” and re-frame all day, but it doesn’t always address the core imprint or experience of not feeling safe to show up fully, not feeling chosen or not feeling supported.
If we want to learn to trust ourselves and connect with our heart and soul, we have to learn to communicate the way our heart and soul speaks. We need to learn how to make peace with our broken, wounded, humanity –– this is the breeding ground for true vulnerability, trust, and compassion with ourselves.
A little powerfully true but overlooked law: What you resist persists but what you love rises above.
The only way to experience life through the purity of our spirit is through the demonstration and reception of what we are, which is Love. Which translates as truth, compassion, patience, honesty and acceptance of all aspects of the wholehuman experience.
The sooner we can learn to love it all, the sooner you will start to experience the Love you are made of, the sooner you will start to feel connected to yourself and something larger than Self in a way that has you crying tears of bliss “It’s so freaking simple and so obvious, I love it all. I get it. I am love because I love.”
Where are you going to love yourself more today??
Light and Love
Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach
My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.