When It Is Time To Let Go. . . Of People!
One of the hardest things for me to learn in life was how to stand up for myself.
I hated making other people mad and disappointing them. If I loved someone, and I don’t just mean in the romantic sense, I wanted the other person to be happy. I would rather take care of somebody else and their needs over looking difficult or losing them.
I lost myself in a lot of relationships as a consequence. I forgot what it was that I needed to serve my heart — to feel really nourished and seen in my life.
As empaths and lovers we have big hearts and flexible boundaries.
Sometimes setting healthy boundaries can be confused as selfishness, and we end up neglecting self care for fear that people won’t love us or will leave. But this is basically a subtle form of manipulation: “I contort myself to make sure you love me and never get mad at me, then resent you when I feel worn down, depleted, and unseen.”
This kind of codependent madness recently played out in a long time friendship of mine. I rarely spoke up for my needs because I had set up a dynamic where I was super accommodating, always available, and scared of her passive aggressive behavior (really scared of standing up for myself), and when I didn’t meet this person’s “expectations” the cold shoulder that blew in was like a Canadian cold-front.
Like seriously. . . kindergarten style aloofness.
I ignored it for a while, thinking surely this isn’t about me, but it had become obvious — I had been downgraded from first class to coach in the friendship arena.
I had two choices: I could gloss over the fact that this had happened before and forge on ignoring that the friendship felt depleting and unforgiving at times, or I could actually let go and allow the relationship to leave if it was meant to leave instead of artificially trying to resuscitate and sustain it.
I chose the latter.
I realized that this role I had taken on, where I was the super easy going one in relationships, always trying to please other people was actually out of fear; a fear that if I honored and stayed true to myself, I would not be as loved or accepted. It was also a way of controlling outcomes, I didn’t set healthy boundaries as a way to prevent people from leaving my life.
I had set myself up to be the victim of my own behavior: when I felt used, worn down, depleted or unseen, it was because I was hiding, playing small, and not showing up authentically.
My journey towards healing and wholeness (which doesn’t mean perfection) meant believing that what was good for me would sustain me and move me towards more loving and fulfilling relationships.
It meant letting go of outcomes might mean letting go of people too.
It meant trusting that as I stood for and honored My Self, I would actually attract more empowering relationships.
It meant standing for my values, desires, and worth as I moved through life.
We can either live in the chaotic paradigm of trying to fix and hold onto every soul that crosses our path or we can let go and trust that what is meant to come will come into our lives, and what is meant to leave will leave.
Our only responsibility in life is to be the advocate of our own soul’s highest good.
In order to do this, we need to discern what is good for us without getting sucked into someone else’s drama.
Some connections we make on this journey are to show us what we need to own, heal and learn from. We welcome them, as little cosmic gifts to help us move forward and to grow. If in supporting our vibrancy, someone chooses to leave, then it isn’t about us and we can lovingly let them go in peace while still respecting our highest good, but everyone, everyone, deserves the dignity of choosing their own most nourishing path.
No one needs to sacrifice anything. The Uni-verse is abundant. Each of us will know in our hearts which relationships have had their time.
I love hearing from you, comment below or share if you think this will help someone.
Light and Love,
Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coachMy commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.