I’ve always prided myself on being a strong, independent, pull-yourself-up-by-your-boots, kind of girl. Then in my early thirties, desperate, broken down, tired of being emotionally depleted, I swallowed my pride and scheduled an appointment with a therapist.
I’d been in an abusive relationship for two years, of whose gravitational force was like that of a black hole. I hated myself for staying in it just as much as I hated the way I felt abandoned, unlovable, and broken every I left it.
I loved myself more than this. . . I thought.
My therapist looked at me and said, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”
“What? That’s what you went to school for? That’s what I paid you for?”
Then suddenly, if not miraculously, relief set in. Judgment released her rigid grips on me and I finally opened up to someone, to tell the whole truth. I allowed myself to explore all the freaking messiness and hurt I had participated in without feeling shame, and this is how I made room for compassion to find her way home, so she could start building new connections.
Personal accountability and compassion were the first steps into my journey of self-love.
That fateful moment in a doctor’s office so many years ago opened up the doorway for a new way of seeing and relating to myself and my feelings. It took me six more months to completely leave that relationship, but when I did, I never looked back; I was never the same person who created that mess again.
What that moment did was provide a safe space for me to heal, because it gave me access to the whole Truth without judgment, which equals compassion.
I could work on never creating that kind of relationship again, through seeing all my responsibility and the lessons in that situation, while practicing radical understanding, patience, and kindness.
You can’t heal, learn or grow from anything while subtlely hating, judging, or shaming yourself.
The most profound awareness that came through, when I could see my contribution clearly without blame or shame, was that I totally abandoned myself, my intuition, and my worth.
“You are exactly where you are supposed to be” is the permission slip we all need to be liberated from the ego’s fearful projections into the future and the painful inertia of “but what if,” so that we can start to ground into the Truth of this moment NOW.
Simply put, it means being radically present to every.thing.we.are.experiencing.now! I know easier said than done!
For a long time, I worked on being present by trying to outsmart my ego through mindset training. I now know this is backward.
I would “observe” the fearful thought patterns and call them “stories” or “limiting beliefs.” Logically, I could see they weren’t serving me, but I never could anchor into a FEELING place of internal peace, self-trust, and self-compassion without constantly analyzing the repetitive loops of obsessive thinking.
The problem is you can’t connect to this deeply, loving place through your intellectual intelligence or your head. You actually have to feel into a loving relationship with your humanity, which isn’t always pretty. You have to sift through a lot of repressed, stored, denied feelings and beliefs which have kept you disconnected from your heart, from your worth, from your inner authority, and from the whole Truth.
We heal and create a sacred space for our love to be connected to when we trust ourselves to SHOW up for Self; when we honor and process through all the core beliefs, feelings, and fears with compassion and reverence.
We don’t attract what we want or even what we are thinking, we attract the love we consistently give to ourselves.
It doesn’t mean we are broken or need to be fixed, we just have to reconnect with our Wholehuman™ self, which means releasing a ton of un-grieved material from years of self-abandonment and conditioning. We have to feel through the messy, the scared, the hurt, and the unheard in order to experience true self-love, which most of us have been outsourcing to other people or circumstances as their responsibility.
So if you are exactly where you are supposed to be now, if your life was only real here in this moment and not out there somewhere, if tomorrow was taken away from you what would you acknowledge? Do differently? Set fire to? Release? Love more?
If your life was stripped down to nothing but this moment, what would your heart say to you?
Sometimes, “I don’t know if I Love myself” is all we need to know.
Light and Love
Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coachMy commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.