Why “choosing happy” is making you miserable

Why “choosing happy” is making you miserable

 

I have never met anyone who would “choose unhappy.” Most of the people I interact with are looking for inner peace, happiness, and general feelings of ease and trust, and most of these people are STEEPED in personal empowerment and self-help.

Perception is a choice.

And even then, a miracle of “perception shift” must address the underlying, conditional, and relational wounding which has people feeling “safe” or more “significant” within their victim stories and perceptions.

“Happiness is a choice” is one of those reductive, overly simplistic self-help-spiritual platitudes that I have seen people use to create a more “enlightened” sense of self; to spiritually bypass core discomfort, which essentially creates more of what we are trying to heal: the disconnect between our mind, body, heart, and spirit.

Yes it is true, some people will use their negative emotions as an excuse to live in that space of “victimhood” or “inaction” but most often I find when you help the “seeker” find out what they are really feeling, underneath their persistent thoughts and emotions, then teach them how they can acknowledge, feel, and heal these beliefs and STILL love themselves, happiness usually has space to naturally flow in and out of one’s life without all the grasping, chasing, denying, and “shoulding” and all over one’s self.

Please, let’s not create more shame in people’s lives by over simplifying the #wholehuman experience.

All Love. All Truth

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

What if you didn’t need the world to be any different today?

What if you didn’t need the world to be any different today?

 

What if you could let everyone you come across today be exactly right where they are: in their harshness, in their identities, in their complaining, in their fighting, in their messiness?

Then, what if you could turn this around on yourself, and be exactly where you are? Totally at peace with your confused, judgemental, pissed off, lonely, and furious? Without trying to positive think something away, or analyze, or fix it?

Recently I was in a waiting room with my mother, when a man dressed in all black and a beard that hadn’t been trimmed in 40 years, struck up a chatty conversation with me. He told me stories about growing up as an Israelite, and then his personal history morphed into ideas on what was clearly wrong with the “stupid, uneducated, people in America.” Before I knew it we were talking about the Bible, dogma, Communism, and fear.

Eventually, the man left and I noticed that I had an overwhelming feeling of love edging through my body. Not like pity love. Not like we are similar souls love, but that sweet, innocent, “my soul doesn’t need you to be anything different love.”

This kind of love, comes from out of nowhere, in the most unexpected and unplanned moments. I know it’s always there, deep inside of me, waiting to be unleashed, reachable without “trying” for it when I have no emotional attachment to needing the world to be any different than what it is.

Some weeks it’s easier and more consistently accessible, other weeks I feel a staunch hardness wash over me, that creeps in between me and life when my brain tries to fit everything into a neat and tidy box.

But when I can show up without an internal mandate to rescue, heal or fix anyone; when I don’t need to “show someone the light;” when I’m not shocked, offended, or surprised by anybody’s shit; when I accept the world in all it’s fuckery, this space envelopes me and those around with me with a profound sense of love and grace

This story is not profound or amazing, it’s actually pretty commonplace when we have the awareness of what is going on.

We often “think about” or reserve this kind of “loving space” for things like our animals, or people in “need.”

I offer to you that every day can be like a mini pilgrimage: our interactions at the grocery or in line at Starbucks, our commutes to work or conversations with strangers on the phone: “can I just love you and accept you today without making it about me, leaving aside my need to categorize you or complain about you or make you any different? “

What if I told you I didn’t need you to be anything other than where you are today? How would that feel?

All Love. All Truth.
Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

Is the obsession with your thoughts really helping you?

Is the obsession with your thoughts really helping you?

The idea that our thoughts are just something we don’t have to “believe” in order to alleviate suffering is one of those self-help axioms which have become so pervasive that no one dares to question it. It’s been espoused as a high-minded ideal by “thought leaders” for so long as an “enlightened” way of dealing with our humanity, that it is swallowed hook line and sinker by every first-time seeker taking sips of the proverbial self-help Koolaid.

Our thoughts are not THE PROBLEM, they are a symptom of an underlying disconnection with ourselves: an old trauma or wound or feeling we are trying to avoid.

The truth is, our thoughts, our minds, our egos, are an amazing survival and coping mechanism our humanity relies on for protection: to guarantee us safety, security, and love. True this can be dysfunctional, but only to the point that we don’t understand where our thoughts come from or what they are trying to show us.

We have between 50,0000 and 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of them you don’t even notice or believe.

For the sake of our discussion here, I am talking about the thoughts that have emotional juice, that hold you hostage, that repetitively show up in your life.

Notice, in all the thoughts that you’ve ever had, that you didn’t want to be having, that could be qualified as “limiting” or “negative,” you never once thought about having the disempowering thought first.

So who decided that thoughts were a purely rational or logical problem? That the simple decision to call a thought “not true”, “not real”, “just a story”, “limiting”, or “negative” would be so utterly profound that the whole layered, nuanced, and complex network of human conditioning, cellular memory, stored trauma, feelings, beliefs, and subconscious imprints would all rally behind the rational mind’s attempts to muscle our whole being into believing what we think we should feel or think or deeply believe?

Anyone who has spent years in the self-help world working on “mastering their mind,” or “reframing their thoughts” or “observing their ego” knows we might get short bouts of reprieve before we are caught up in an old loop or reactive trigger or disempowering mind-stream again. It also requires a massive amount of effort and energy.

The reason wrestling our “negative” thoughts into oblivion is so catchy and popular is twofold.

A simple shifting of thoughts serves the masculine dominated, control and predict, plug in A get B, quick fix paradigm that sees life through a linear lens: “Just do this, and viola! You get that.” And it is more comfortable than doing the honest, self-reflection and heavy lifting of emotional integration, where we have to address and sift through disowned shame, grief and fear, making “change your thoughts change your life” a sellable solution, readily heralded by people who are already disconnected from themselves, allowing them to remain comfortable through dissociating more, only now more “enlightened” dissociation.

Forget “mastering your mind”, it’s not possible anyway. The mind is a tool; a portal, and an access point into deeper healing, self-connection, and renewal.

Thoughts aren’t problems to be logically talked away. Ever met someone in therapy working on the same stuff for 10 years? The mind’s outpourings are a byproduct of the fracture between our mind, body, heart and soul. They are a result of the imprinting and belief systems that were set up in early childhood trauma.

We all have trauma, it’s how we internalize fear.

So we might as well make friends with our thoughts and egos and limiting beliefs and allow them to take us to our underlying, disowned, pain, shame, and fear. Perhaps get curious about the feelings they are directing us away from for our “survival,” but truly for what they can lead us to for deep, healing, integration and renewal.

This re-connection, through our humanity as opposed to dismissing it, allows us to reclaim our hearts and bring us back to life. It opens the door to self-love and self-compassion and helps us develop a new relationship with our basic vulnerability and openness. This starts to restore what has been lost through self-abandonment and spiritual bypassing. We get more authentic vulnerability, self-intimacy, and self-trust. We experience more profound feelings of warmth and caring for the pain in our lives.

As we stop denying, dismissing, and repressing parts of ourselves, we integrate what has been disowned and the thoughts naturally become more loving, peaceful, and creative without having to go to war with ourselves, or be under constant observation.

Real compassion can only arise out of being willing to feel pain. As long as we refuse to recognize our thoughts for what they are: an access point to the undigested, stored grief material of our psyche, we won’t be able to feel any real compassion for ourselves or for others.

Compassion literally means “suffering with” — being a friend and companion to the pain that’s involved in being human.

Your thoughts don’t create your reality. Your ability to be with your wholehuman experience creates your reality.

All Love. All Truth.

Can changing your thoughts really help you?

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible over the internet while I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Get exclusive love notes and private updates, stock my Instagram, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on relationships, self-love, and self-awareness.

Essential truths you need to know before your 30

Essential truths you need to know before your 30

 

As my birthday month passes and I find myself closer to 40 than I am not, (oh-mah-gosh that sounds weird) it’s hard not to think about what the next half of my life will look like. My mid-thirties have been fast and furious as age seems to compress time, lessons and truths, in the same way, that my twenties seemed to mercifully meander by.

I stand on a strange precipice between absolute trust that pain will inevitably arise over and over again, as I am committed to being fully human: living with my heart and arms wide open, welcoming all the gifts of this crazy life.

Yet, at the same time, knowing that the truth of Life is this: she doesn’t guarantee easy but, she does say the best is yet to come; that each year gets infinitely better as we peel back more and more layers that guide us deeper into our own hearts, and bring us closer to our truth.

In the past few years my life and connections have opened up and come alive in ways I could never have imagined and it’s because I finally understood how to let go of just as much as I learned how to love, trust and listen to myself.

If you can implement these essential principles life should feel like a beautiful, mysterious, terrain that celebrates the delicate balance between being fully grounded in our humanness and yet ever more present to our soul’s eternal connection.

Let your heart be the architect and the mind be the builder. Don’t think your way through life. Feel your way through life. The mind is woefully inept at conceiving all possibilities. It really can only direct you from a future based need of security or past-based fear matrix. Your feelings are an amazing compass. They direct you from an innate knowing into a pathway of healing, intuition, and self-discovery.

Let go of needing to know. Sometimes we’re not supposed to know everything. The gifts of Life/Spirit sometimes take a while to reveal themselves. Try not to fit people or situations into your “ideas” about what they “should” be. You are better off loving and living and playing through the present moment. This is where the gifts happen – through experience, outside of thought.

Learn to really like yourself. Like, really enjoy your own company. The relationship you have with yourself is the highest priority you have. Cultivate enjoyment in being alone, in silence and in being single. Go to dinner, movies, and on vacations alone. Have passions and hobbies just for you. Don’t look to anyone to make you feel valued, important or sexy. You’ll always be starving, in need, and disappointed if you are looking to relationships, identities, or careers to provide you with your worth. When you truly enjoy and love yourself – everything else is just a gift.

You can’t rescue, fix or heal anyone. In fact, if you are drawn to human projects, you actually should turn the mirror around on yourself. We often focus on “fixing” others to avoid looking at our own self-love gaps. Getting caught up in other people’s messiness at the expense of our own needs and self-worth is the surest way to show the Universe how little you think of yourself. The most loving thing you can do for another is take care of yourself first. But…

Know your standards. Have boundaries.  It’s healthy to have boundaries and standards of respect, trust, and dignity in relationships. If someone has a hard time understanding or honoring these standards, let them go. Trust that loving yourself will take care of replacing that relationship with something better. Not knowing what you stand for is the quickest way to become a doormat and become victim to your own lack of boundaries.

You have no power over other people. Focus on your own little hula-hoop of energy. We don’t have control over other people’s reactions, feelings or their truth. You can try your best to show up authentically and lovingly, yet there are still going to be some people who won’t be able to see you, hear you and meet you where you are at. And know…

It’s not about you. Don’t take somebody’s bad behavior personally. As much as it hurts – hurt people, hurt people. Some people we meet will understand relationship differently. They have survival mechanisms built on fear and unconscious maps of their world, but you always have the right to say “this is not healthy; this is not what I want to continue creating.” Leave it at that. No explanation necessary!

Do no harm. Ever. To yourself or another. Always ask yourself, “is this actually selfish rationale that is dishonoring my highest yes?” “Am I ignoring consequences to get instant gratification?” “Will my choices harm someone else?” Every choice we make has ripple effects. There are thousands of people who will be directly and indirectly touched by both your kindness and lack of awareness. Be kind when in doubt.

You aren’t an island. There will come a time when you will feel lost. But, I guarantee there is someone you know who has been through what you are going through. Don’t live in shame or isolation. Tell at least one person the whole truth. Give your darkest moments room to breathe. Just make sure it’s in a safe space with no judgment.

Happiness is not a choice. Yes, I said it. It’s a consequence of feeling empowered; of feeling like we have choices. Don’t ever side step your pain or accept situations that are painful in the name of being “conscious.” Take time to feel it, explore it and release it without judgment. Try to find the core feeling, the one without thoughts attached. Happiness is more likely to flow through you when you aren’t fighting for it. It’s a natural emotion that comes when we feel resourced and whole from within, which means allowing what arises in us to be seen.

There is more than one way to do this thing called life. Your path does not have to look like everybody else’s path to be valuable. Get married. Don’t get married. Have children. Don’t have children. Travel, move, get a job, start a company, stay put. There are a million different choices to make. Just make them your own.

Never assume that other people have it all together. The wisest people I know, admit every day they are still trying to figure this sh** out. Life is not an arrival. It’s an ever deepening unfolding and journey, whereby we keep being shown more grace, love and knowing if we choose to act in ways that serve our hearts and ultimately love.

Watch for the second installation on lessons to help make you life freaking amazing!

All Love All Truth

Megyn

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

Why too much self-help actually creates suffering

Why too much self-help actually creates suffering

For 17 years I was a good spiritual student and self-help junkie. I was well versed in concepts like self-love and self-worth. Concepts like “our thoughts create our reality” and “happiness is a choice” permeated much of my thinking. I had accepted everyone for where they were at, at their level of consciousness. I believed unconditional love, forgiveness, and gratitude would deliver landslides of peace, joy, and abundance.

I worked on my chakras. I had taken my inventory, “my stories” were not real, and I knew none of this physical experience mattered anyway.

But what I learned the hard way was that none of this had anything to do with Love; that this was a backward way of trying to live from my heart. I was working on the connection to myself, and ultimately something larger than Self, through my mind.

As a result, I had all the right intentions and concepts, but none of the right feelings. Good intentions + wrong feelings = spiritual junk-food.

What is this journey about?

In spiritual circles it is well known that we are not just humans, but that we are souls having a human experience. We are unlimited beings here in manifestation having a temporary physical experience, and while all that is true, it’s just incomplete.

We are souls, creative life force energy who CHOSE to come here and have a human experience, which translates as this: none of this is an accident, including our criminal egos and broken hearts. There is not one part of being human that is flawed.

If we had only wanted a “true nature experience,” we would never have left or given up our true nature to come here.

But we did. And even if you believe that this was somehow just a Big-Bang accident and that the intricacies of our humanity and our planet are completely random, wouldn’t it feel more nourishing to be of service to Love through the gift of our humanity as opposed to resisting?

In order to connect with that which we are – which is love, the illusion of separation is essential.

Without physical form, we are just Universe or Source energy that can’t experience herself.

Human reality is one glorious hodgepodge of magnificent, heartbreaking, heart-opening, messiness and chaos for a reason – to gift us the opportunity to open our hearts in the most impossible and heartbreaking situations – especially with ourselves.

As people who are “waking up,” it’s easy to get caught up in the madness of chasing empowerment, escaping our denser energetic bodies and battling the craziness of our minds. All more ego – just spiritually acceptable ego and a way to stand in further judgment and dissociation of our natural processes.

As intelligent, bright and masterful women, we’ve been jammed up into our headspace with more education at the expense of learning how to be vulnerable and more loving with ourselves. Which is in fact, the only way to heal and access deep, abiding, soulful, love and compassion.

We’ve put an extraordinary amount of focus on our egos and limiting beliefs, which are actually messengers for our broken hearts. We’ve placed high-minded ideals above understanding the relational, developmental and conditional aspects of being human, which creates more shame and frustration because we are constantly striving to achieve another level of “I have to stop something or muscle through something or be something to get somewhere” which the ego loves.

But what if we could start creating our lives through learning how to open our hearts more?

What if our wounds and pain-points and triggers were the only way to be vulnerable and access compassion?

The limiting “stories” we tell ourselves, our “ways of being” that aren’t working for us are really just a tender, unhealed part of us waiting to finally be seen, loved and integrated.

The rumination of the mind is a distraction technique to keep us from sinking down into our bodies and allowing the uncomfortable messages from our disowned beliefs and feelings to come up and guide us to internal release and healing.

We can “master our mind” and re-frame all day, but it doesn’t always address the core imprint or experience of not feeling safe to show up fully, not feeling chosen or not feeling supported.

If we want to learn to trust ourselves and connect with our heart and soul, we have to learn to communicate the way our heart and soul speaks. We need to learn how to make peace with our broken, wounded, humanity ––  this is the breeding ground for true vulnerability, trust, and compassion with ourselves.

A little powerfully true but overlooked law: What you resist persists but what you love rises above.

The only way to experience life through the purity of our spirit is through the demonstration and reception of what we are, which is Love. Which translates as truth, compassion, patience, honesty and acceptance of all aspects of the wholehuman experience.

The sooner we can learn to love it all, the sooner you will start to experience the Love you are made of, the sooner you will start to feel connected to yourself and something larger than Self in a way that has you crying tears of bliss “It’s so freaking simple and so obvious, I love it all. I get it. I am love because I love.”

Where are you going to love yourself more today??

Light and Love

Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

A prayer for recovering “choose happy” addicts – Because we all have bad days

A prayer for recovering “choose happy” addicts – Because we all have bad days

 

You might not know it if you are comparing yourself to strangers on the internet, but the reality is, that the internet and Facebook aren’t reality.

No one ever feels perfect all the time…

Isn’t that a relief?

I actually get a little angry when I see quotes flying around about “choose happy” and “happiness is a choice.”

Ultimately happiness is a consequence of feeling like we have choices; of feeling empowered in our lives.

Happiness is more likely to flow through you when you aren’t fighting for it. It’s a natural emotion that comes when we feel resourced and whole from within, which means allowing what arises in us to be seen.

And some days, it’s totally appropriate, dare I say it – to not choose happy.

Ironically my life has become infinitely more joyous, peaceful, trusting and loving because I stopped trying to be a positive Pollyanna all the freaking time.

Which is why when you embrace whatever it is that you might be feeling, you move through it more ease, grace and trust.

Now, my “off days” are far less ominous and I feel safe and seen and nurtured. As long as I stay away from “shoulding” all over myself.

I wrote this during one of my voracious journaling periods; kind of like Picasso’s Blue period, the kind where you just give all your crazy over to God on paper or canvas or whatever medium you see fit.

This is a prayer for when you feel lost, off track, melancholy or fear.

I Trust Prayer

I trust in the divines love that I am connected to.

I trust I am loved unconditionally.

I trust I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I trust in my heart.

I trust in abundance and beauty.

I trust that tomorrow brings with it new opportunities to love myself and start anew.

I trust in the divine order of things; that I will get everything I need in order to serve my soul’s highest path.

I trust in a beautiful process that I can not understand.

I trust my life has value. I trust I am lovable just the way I am. I trust that expansion and connection live in me.

I trust that I am trusting and allowing more.

I trust that I know what is best for me.

I trust that I’ll always find a way. I trust that I will be shown the next move. I trust that my job is to listen.

I trust that this is a stepping stone.

I trust that I always have a choice.

I trust that I have all I need inside of me to create the loving life I desire. I trust that God, Source, Light walk with me.

I trust that I don’t have control over anything but me.

I trust that there are signs and guidance when I get out of my own way.

I trust that what is meant to come will come into my life, and what is meant to leave I can let go of.

I trust that when I get centered and I am still I can hear you, see you and feel you.

I trust that life is on my side.

I trust that when I am connected to myself, even more than I can imagine will flow through me.

I trust that I can grieve and feel all my feelings safely today .

I trust that you hear me with out me speaking.

I trust.

I love hearing from you, comment below and share if you think this is good, great, awesome.

Light and Love

Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

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