How to stop choosing relationships from your wounds!

How to stop choosing relationships from your wounds!

choose-people-from-wholeness-1

When in relationship to life and as a result other human beings, your soul pulls you toward the maximum growth potential for expansion, and love, and union — this is why romantic relationships are such catalysts for change, and so intoxicating.

But until we’ve cultivated an intimate, integrated, relationship from within, we will (mostly unconsciously) chase, pine for, and hold on too tightly, to people and circumstances that show us where our self-love gaps are; we will be drawn to mirrors of the potential we’ve yet to discover within.

In order to choose people from our wholeness as opposed to our wounds; in order to unconditionally love and see people clearly, without the obstruction of projections, fantasies, and expectations, we must deeply meet and see ourselves.

Seeing ourselves is much more than working on mindset, or awareness of our “stories”, or “mastering our thoughts”, it’s an open, honest, compassionate channel with our vulnerabilities; with our deepest, disowned, wounds and soft spots, while practicing radical compassion, acceptance, and responsibility.

This means acknowledging the feelings and beliefs that hide underneath the thoughts and the emotions that come from old conditioning. It means not making ourselves “wrong”, or “shifting perspective”, or calling our experiences “not true” or “not real,” but an ability to sit with the discomfort of our raw, human, messiness while demonstrating a tenderness perhaps we’ve never experienced before.

This is not to say that choosing from our wounds is “bad” or “wrong”, but we will perpetually be dancing on the edge of communion with our soul. The purity of our spirit: love, peace, ease, trust, and expansion will always be just out of reach.

Where as choosing from wholeness doesn’t imply there is no effort involved, or that we won’t feel hopeful, or get disappointed, or have our hearts broken, but the need to cling, chase, or grasp onto what has run its course, or was never a match in the first place falls away as we’ve become more deeply rooted from within.

Choose from wholeness!

All love. All truth
Megyn

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

 

A few weeks ago, I felt like an adolescent girl held hostage by hormones: on the verge of crying every few minutes, super tender, for no reason at all.

I. Was. Just. Over. It.

Overworked. Overstretched. Over dead-lined. Overtired. Overexposed.

When a male friend of mine, on a one-cup-of-coffee morning, made a sarcastic, “half-joking” uncool, personal jab. . . instead of feeling centered and grounded and then being able to set a nice boundary, I let him have it. On no uncertain terms, sternly: “Not cool. Don’t do it again!”

Then, he blew up on me.

Like attacked me personally. It was not how I expected it to go.

I thought about how the whole thing went down. Was what I did wrong? Uncalled for? No! Was setting a healthy boundary appropriate? Totally! Could I have handled it mo-better? More lovingly? AB-SO-FREAK-ING-LUTELY!

And, because I am committed to owning my shit, I knew I had to apologize. Not just for him, but for me too.

Within the hour, with uncontrollable tears streaming downing my face I said: “I am sorry! I could have handled that better. I could have said, ‘please don’t say that to me again.’ I understand if you felt attacked.”

I didn’t add any “buts,” no justifications, no pointing the finger back at him. It was just about the fact that I could have been more loving.

I believe he must have felt totally seen and understood because he gave me a big ole’ hug and said: “it’s okay.” In fact, he’s been super tender with me ever since.

Were there issues with the way he handled it? Arguably, many.

But it is not my job to retrain adult men how to deal with their stuff. And thankfully, because I am comfortable with who I am, and I know where my realm of power lies, I was able to comfortably just take responsibility for me.

In my experience, we feel love most profoundly when we are participating in Love purely; when we don’t actually need anything from back from people. This is what is meant by being “whole,” or fully resourced from within: we are our own containers of validation, worth, approval, happiness, and love.

It doesn’t mean we are perfect or don’t have any soft spots, or won’t ever be triggered again. But we are clear that the world is not responsible to provide us with our basic sense of Self. We aren’t relying on other people to make us feel better.

From here, from this kind of self-connection and wholeness, we can be present. And presence always gifts us with clarity; with access to the most loving way to proceed forward.

It is way more empowering to see where we could have acted more in alignment with love, overstaying stuck in the obsessive rumination of “why we are justified” or “why so-and-so shouldn’t have talked to me that way.”

Own your shit, because I promise, this always feels more loving.

How to really apologize: own your shit. read more here.

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

Have healthy expectations of reciprocal respect, and love, and generosity, and kindness, and consideration.

This is called boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and oh, just basic human decency.

All love. All Truth.

Meg

sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through ignoring our intution
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

Do you have the same definitions of kindness and respect? (The life changing advice I’d never thought of)

Do you have the same definitions of kindness and respect? (The life changing advice I’d never thought of)

 

One of the simplest and most profound pieces of advice ever given to me was from a Buddhist friend twenty years older and wiser than me. He said, “Megyn if you don’t have the same definitions of kindness and respect, the relationships you have will never work.”

Why was this simple and seemingly obvious life advice such a soul-affirming-a-ha-moment for me?

Like it immediately took away all the confusing guessing games in relationships and gave back years to my life in saved hours from wasteful rumination.

Why is it that somewhere between kindergarten and adolescence we forget that the nice kids are the ones we want to play with?

Why is that in adulthood most of the people I talk to and work with have been entangled in disrespectful and toxic relationship dynamics?

Why is that kindness and respect are not taught as required learning for college freshman?

Is it simply that we have big hearts and want to believe the best in people? Is it some subconscious form of neediness: Loving another until our hearts bleed so they will see our value and love us back?

Have we been so desensitized by the media that bad behavior is the new normal?

Or is it simpler than that? Do we just not feel worthy enough to wait for kindness and respect? Do we just not know what our standards of kindness and respect are?

The truth is it’s much more complex and layered than any one answer, but I do know that receiving and allowing respect and kindness into our lives begins with being clear on our own values, our worth, and our deepest desires, and then trusting that life will organically shape itself around you mirroring this self-love back to us through gifts of deeper and truer connection.

Self-love is the most potent and powerful form of energy and the Universe really likes this kind of clarity.

And while not everyone will be able to live their life this way or even have the same ideas of respect and kindness we can move through our lives taking nothing personally, having compassion in our hearts for all souls, but making room in our lives for kindness and respect to resonate.

All Love

Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

Letting romantic relationships go: How to love without attachment

Letting romantic relationships go: How to love without attachment

Remember that wonderful human being I met a few months ago?

We parted ways, and for the first time in my adult life, I experienced a happy ending through an ending.

Not like pop-the-cork-off-the-champagne-bottle happy. There was disappointment and other normal human emotions to process – but It was the most sane, adult, and loving breakup I’ve ever had.

No long, drawn out, back-and-forth. No hysteria. Just respect and honesty.

Not everyone is supposed to stay forever.

As my Buddhist friend likes to say to me, “Megyn the success of a relationship has nothing to do with the length of time that you are in the relationship, but whether or not you and the other person can leave each other better human beings”

This sounds really evolved, selfless, and new-agey right? But what if you are really looking for love? The forever kind?

A quick lesson in love today. Just a little reminder.

*The purest form of love, the only kind I’m interested in, is eternal; love never dies.

*No one can love you, cherish you, or adore you enough if you aren’t already a resource of these things from within. Anything else is neediness. And the relationships we cultivate from a self love deficit will always be an opportunity for us to evaluate and choose how to love ourselves more.

*You can only give, receive, and feel loved to the extent that you able to give, receive, and feel love from deep inside of yourself.

*And sometimes – Love isn’t enough.

So… what if we stopped looking for love, and instead started looking for deep, soulful resonance?

What if we could love, love unconditionally, wholeheartedly, purely, and unselfishly without being attached? Could relationships work?

Would they have the same meaning? The same depth? The same purity, intensity, and quality without having to have it our way? Without clinging out of fear that this will be the last one that will ever work out?

Ummm, Yes! BIG YES!

When we deeply sense our own inherent value and are steeped in our own nourishment, we come into union awake with our eyes, ears and heart open which is how we cultivate relationships of great harmony, of great growth, and of great work. Yes, even when they don’t work out.

When two people are whole and fully resourced from within, they can emit love without taking, shrinking, neediness, or grasping.

Whether or not someone loves us back is irrelevant. It does not diminish what we already have.

This is not to say that breakups are supposed to be painless. There will always be emotions and feelings to process around lost connection, missing a companion, and unfulfilled dreams.

Without judgment and with total self compassion, you can responsibly honor your own grieving process, but in the end you will not feel a lack for love or take another person’s lack of love personally.

Ideally, relationship is a dance; a joyful, exciting, journey of discovery; an opportunity for love to fertilize two souls within a container (the relationship) that then allows two people to grow and expand, becoming stronger and more illuminated than they were before.

Sometimes, unfortunately, how much each person is able to expand is limited.

When we get caught in the trap of forcing “this one to be it” is when we can’t see that one, or both people in the relationship is not thriving in the container.

How long the other person is able to meet you where you are at is outside of your power.

Each soul has their own timeline, their own lessons, and their own path. There is absolutely nothing you can do, say, or become to push, pull or force another person’s truth to match up with yours.

The truth of another person’s path will reveal itself in layers with ease and clarity if you aren’t blinded by the need to make love fit into a box.

To love another, is to understand, honor, and acknowledge that if another person’s happiness is in pursuing their own truth and happiness outside of relationship with you, then to truly love them is to set them free and sometimes to set yourself free too.

Your only responsibility is to cultivate and go deeper into choosing more love and what that means for you without compromising your values or your divine worth.

But what about the “happy ending?”

This is the great dilemma of romantic love: “Tell me I won’t get hurt”, “Tell me this is the one”, “Make it last forever… and. make. it. magical.”

Ironically, where love exists, in it’s purest form, is not strictly born out of the happily ever after story.

Relationships work best when we see them as gifts in our lives and opportunities to grow as opposed to things that we own, need to manage, or have to have until ‘death do us part.’

Essential to any successful relationship is a deep knowing of oneself to be complete outside of union with another.

In essence we have to be connected to our own light.

If we fall short in any of those areas, our identity will project our stuff, our voids, our need to be needed, loved, rescued, and valued onto another person.

We won’t be able to show up in relationship authentically or fully seeing another person for who they are. We will project fantasies, be unable to discern what and what not they are capable of giving, and where we are not allowing a person to be an individual with their own values, path, and soul lessons.

The second we start looking at something or someone else as the source of our power: our validity, our joy, our self esteem; the second we need someone to be something different to make us happy – we forget what our truth and standards are; we let someone else hijack our self esteem; we cling, project and actually cut ourselves off from the healthy flow of giving and receiving love that the Universe calls on us to experience.

When Love is at its fullest it is not linear, rigid or able to be contained. It’s something that is so deeply within us, that it naturally overflows and finds resonance in our life.

Okay, okay – I know, “get down off your eternal love high horse, talk to me like I’m human.”

Falling in love can be a helluva drug: the chemicals, the excitement, the future possibilities — Intoxicating.

Connection and partnership are beautiful places for growth, for deeper connection, to witness our own love in action, for gateways into the next stage of our EVOLution.

But when we use (consciously or unconsciously) relationships as a supplement to the one we don’t have with ourselves, or we sacrifice our integrity at the expense of staying in a partnership, we are setting ourselves up for chaos, interesting lessons, depletion and sometimes destruction – all of which can be helpful.

It’s not that there is a “right” kind of love, “right” way to date, or a correct relationship. Everyone is here for our greatest good and to move us forward if we are willing to make choices. It’s just that there are more nourishing, fulfilling, soulful ways to enter into intimate partnership.

Revolutionary new way forward: I promise to myself, when I enter into intimate relationship, instead of looking for “the one”, trying to figure it all out, retracting in fear of getting hurt – I am open to allowing deep, soulful, resonance to be my new love standard. I’m saying yes to reciprocal love, authentic kindness and respect – for as long as we both are growing.

I feel and receive love more deeply, openly, and honestly than I ever did before. I have loved with more purity and acceptance from afar than I ever used to in relationship. I have let many go in the name of loving myself more, and in turn have received love back — ten fold.

I also see and accept people in their wholeness: in their complete messy humanity, in their glory, in their vulnerabilities, in their gifts, in their limitations, because I don’t need them to be anything other than what they are.

This is our power. From here we make choices. We can discern: More of the same? or do I wish to create something different? From here we unconditionally love without attachment and allow love to unfold her own miracles instead of forcing our own will.

What is born out of love, can only lead to more love.

When we can love freely and allow soul’s to come and go as need be, it replaces blindness, neediness, and if-then-love with bountiful, sacred spaces for free flowing growth, nourishment, and kindness which in the end feels more abundant, peaceful and nourishing.

What matters most to me in relationship now is: Did I love them with purity, for who they were? Am I a better person after the experience? Did I honor their humanity and mine with honesty, respect and kindness? Did I stay true to me? And hopefully, did I leave the other person well?

Ultimately, you are the one you’ve been waiting for.

Everything else is just Grace; a gift; a cosmic high five.

My deepest wish for all of you, is that as you grow and EVOLve deeper into your own love; as your light shines brighter, that the love that beams back to you shines brighter too.

 


 

Postscript:
It’s taken me over two months to write this. I never thought that writing about something like intimate love would make me feel so vulnerable and exposed.

I recognize that love and relationship is a touchy subject because we are all at different stages in our own EVOLution (that’s love backwards by the way) and therefor we have varying degrees of tolerance for someone else telling us what they believe love to be.

After having experienced the embodiment of all the principles I preach: self-love, letting go, staying present, taking nothing personally and allowing other soul’s their own path, I can not believe that what I used to experience in relationship I believed was love at all.

Understand, I absolutely believe in commitment, truth, kindness, compassion and respect.

I believe in love, even the ‘until death do we part’ kind and I would never advocate running, ejecting or escaping from partnership just because the “going gets tough.” That is a very personal decision and unique to each situation, which I can not possibly address within the scope of one article.

But, what I am proposing and advocating is an exploration into your own reason’s for looking for and staying in relationship. I am inviting you to explore your own self-love gaps and look at opportunities to heal those from within, without making someone responsible for your own happiness.

I am stating that I believe that anything less than mutual respect, consideration and kindness are not particularly loving and it is up to you to make choices that resonate with more love in your life without changing someone.

I wrote this post not with a heavy heart, but ironically, feeling more loved than I ever have before and more sure about my relationship future because for the first time in my dating life I was able to show up with a soft, open heart, without attachment; seeing another clearly, while staying honest about what was true and good for me.

Take what resonates, leave the rest.

All Love. All Truth.

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet while I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Get exclusive love notes and for your eyes only updates, stock my Instagram, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness.

A story about healing, dating, and knowing they’re not “the one.” (Love without attachment)

A story about healing, dating, and knowing they’re not “the one.” (Love without attachment)

Once upon a time…I found myself dating a magnificent human being.

After being in a self-imposed, much needed, healing dating desert, it would have been easy to make this easy, deep, soulful connection fit into “the one” box.

But I knew that this would taint the relationship with projections into the future; with contortions and tight-rope walking to make it fit into my limited thinking of what was possible, and in doing so I’d miss out on the beauty of what was unfolding now.

I also knew that I’d have to stay fully present in order to not chase fairy tales and to trust myself as we progressed through whatever was meant to come.

I wanted to be fully present. I wanted to live in my openness and authenticity, in harmony with another human being, growing and becoming better than I was before — and yet I wanted to remain unattached.

I knew that would require keeping my controlling and predictive mind out of the equation.

I’m not saying it’s easy…

We’re human. We have desires. We have goals. We want to receive, achieve, accomplish certain things.

We want to know: “What does this mean? What will this look like? Where does this fit?”

So we set out: “I’m going to get it. I want it. This. Is. It.”

Egos like security, so when we see something that looks like this “is it” we get caught up in “this is it” hysteria. We will try to fit things into the limitations of our own minds. We will try to force square pegs into round holes.

And the truth of life is that as soon as we think we know “this is going to be it”, we chase, grasp, ignore, get lazy, manipulate, and project.

It’s why I have learned to loathe rigid, straight lines, dogma, boxes, and predictable outcomes.

This is not fear, laziness, or passivity – rather it’s dynamic receptivity and listening.

Attachment is static, rigid, and unyielding.

Don’t be fooled — spiritual practice, self-help, and consciousness teachings can still be illusions we cling to for more linear achieving and grasping.

We attend another seminar, read another book, hook into another thought leader, all just selling us a pretty box: our path to enlightenment, the man or woman of our dreams, or a get-rich-and-die-happy scheme.

I know, for 17 years I did it wrong. I had a master’s in my shit and a Ph.D. in positive thinking so I could be happy, secure, and loved.

All it did was create the illusion that I was the one who knew best; that I had control of the steering wheel; that if I raised my vibration and changed my thoughts then, BAM! everything is manifested rainbows and unicorn essence.

Instead, I was drowning in more constricted, one-dimensional thinking. I was shut off from myself and shut off from the infinite possibilities of divine timing, flow, and heart-centered connection that I yearned for, which ironically comes from feeling your way through life, not thinking.

It took a few hard lessons, but I learned that the only thing I knew for-sure-for-sure, was that I didn’t know anything with any certainty.

I became infinitely more powerful, more open, and more magnetic. I learned to love these four words: “you just never know.”

With this kind of unattached living, I truly understood surrender and being present: living in the moment instead of lining up in front of the universe with my shopping list saying, “look I’ve done my part now bring me what I want.”

I trusted there was something larger than me taking care of me.

If you want to be a co-captain, a vehicle, a conduit for infinite abundance and good, all you have to do is sign up and say “show me and use me for good.”

It won’t always be easy. It won’t always be painless. You will have to take inventory of your stuff, and see all the responsibilities in your life.

It won’t always come in the form you expect, but I promise life will send you the people and the lessons you need to prepare you.

You are infinitely more powerful and receptive when you take your hands off the throat of life; when you and stop controlling how it’s all going to end.

You are a supernova when you love and cherish yourself from the inside out, including your feelings and imperfect parts.

What can you do, what do you know?

Do the one thing you can do, which is put one foot in front of the other, in integrity what you’re up to in the world, in alignment with your worth, your inner nudges, and heart’s desires.

Chase integrity, authentic heartfelt action, nourishment, and Do. No. Harm. Ever!

This is what’s in service to the highest good of all involved. This is how the soul speaks. This is how we follow the heart trail leading you down the open, expansive, love filled path.

Does this mean your life path will look a little crooked? Yes.

Will you be racing to the finish line? No.

Will it look like other people have it together and you don’t? Sometimes, yes.

Will some people get It sooner? Perhaps. But look closer, what are they really getting?

I promise you life and relationships are a hell of a lot more interesting, nourishing, and loving when we realize we aren’t the only ones calling the shots. When we willingly hop into the passenger seat knowing there’s something greater than our limited thinking can conceive.

And as you live this way; as you ascend the fear based needs to control and predict and categorize, the mysteries of divine order become ever more apparent and beautiful, because you can see how being of service to this Loving Force, and not at odds with it, invites in magnificence, congruence, and creation on a whole other level.

And suddenly the universe is your playground and you are just playing, and everyone’s name sounds like Grace.

Important addendum, postscript, codicil: This relationship ended 8 weeks after it began. It was the first healthy, adult, respectful breakup I’d ever had. Because I was able to stay present, and not force my will or desires onto someone else, I was able to see we handled relationship different in a few key areas – so I gracefully let him go. Not everyone is supposed to stay forever. Here is part two on how to love without attachment.

All Love

Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

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