For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

Have healthy expectations of reciprocal respect, and love, and generosity, and kindness, and consideration.

This is called boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and oh, just basic human decency.

All love. All Truth.

Meg

sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through ignoring our intution
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

Do you have the same definitions of kindness and respect? (The life changing advice I’d never thought of)

Do you have the same definitions of kindness and respect? (The life changing advice I’d never thought of)

 

One of the simplest and most profound pieces of advice ever given to me was from a Buddhist friend twenty years older and wiser than me. He said, “Megyn if you don’t have the same definitions of kindness and respect, the relationships you have will never work.”

Why was this simple and seemingly obvious life advice such a soul-affirming-a-ha-moment for me?

Like it immediately took away all the confusing guessing games in relationships and gave back years to my life in saved hours from wasteful rumination.

Why is it that somewhere between kindergarten and adolescence we forget that the nice kids are the ones we want to play with?

Why is that in adulthood most of the people I talk to and work with have been entangled in disrespectful and toxic relationship dynamics?

Why is that kindness and respect are not taught as required learning for college freshman?

Is it simply that we have big hearts and want to believe the best in people? Is it some subconscious form of neediness: Loving another until our hearts bleed so they will see our value and love us back?

Have we been so desensitized by the media that bad behavior is the new normal?

Or is it simpler than that? Do we just not feel worthy enough to wait for kindness and respect? Do we just not know what our standards of kindness and respect are?

The truth is it’s much more complex and layered than any one answer, but I do know that receiving and allowing respect and kindness into our lives begins with being clear on our own values, our worth, and our deepest desires, and then trusting that life will organically shape itself around you mirroring this self-love back to us through gifts of deeper and truer connection.

Self-love is the most potent and powerful form of energy and the Universe really likes this kind of clarity.

And while not everyone will be able to live their life this way or even have the same ideas of respect and kindness we can move through our lives taking nothing personally, having compassion in our hearts for all souls, but making room in our lives for kindness and respect to resonate.

All Love

Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

How to stand for your standards in love: This is your spiritual practice

How to stand for your standards in love: This is your spiritual practice

 

Many of us have gotten expectations and standards confused!

We hear expectations bad, unconditional love good –– then get into weird, contorted relationships with people who can’t really meet us with the kind of healthy, reciprocal, dignity, respect and love we deserve.

It is true, expecting someone to change or suddenly be different is insanity. They are who they are.

People show you who they are pretty quickly, and if you don’t like it, expecting different behavior is crazy and actually not nice.

But you can set boundaries, which is different from trying to change someone’s behavior.

You can then leave, walk away, or politely say “see you on the other side” if boundaries and standards aren’t being met.

Healthy standards are a must – so sit down and figure them out in relationships and in life.

Have healthy standards without feeling bad about them: Kindness. Respect. Consideration. Compassion. Honesty. Integrity. What do these mean to you?

How we treat ourselves is usually how others will treat us: If you don’t think, believe or act like you are valuable enough for respect, chances are others will disrespect you.

If you take your body and heart for granted, chances are your partner will too.

If you have been unclear on your standards, ask if you are fearful that someone won’t want to meet your standards? Or will leave? Or will get mad? Clear sign they should GO.

When we know what we deeply believe, desire and deserve, this usually helps filter out the people who aren’t aligned with us from the beginning; our internal warnings will fire and we can eject, pass go or retreat.

But if you are already in friendship or have found yourself in a relationship where you never stood for your boundaries or ignored and excused away disrespectful behavior and red flags – you have one opportunity to speak up about them GENTLY.

State what you deserve. Express clearly what you believe in. Be honest about what you will bring to the table. Then, if said person isn’t aligned with your truth or fails to meet you repeatedly, they won’t ever. It’s not in their nature. They can’t. They just don’t know how.

Life really wants you to cultivate loving relationships built on healthy respect and standards.

Look around. See what people are blocking the door, taking up space or sucking away your precious energy. This isn’t self righteousness or ball busting –– this is full participation and ownership in our realm of power, which requires presence and a full showing for ourselves and life without being sucked into other people’s soul lessons.

Just so you know, I say this as a recovering self abandonment junkie. I know how difficult it is to trust your self and your standards to bring nourishing relationships. But I promise it does.

All Love,

Megyn

Never allow someone to treat you in a way you would never treat yourself. How to have healthy standards and boundaries in relationships.
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

Own your sacred boundaries and win at the battle of love

Own your sacred boundaries and win at the battle of love

 

I’m a recovering self-abandonment-oholic. It is only because of deep healing, massive amounts of self-compassion and self-love, that I can now say this with a smile on my face.

When I realized that a great deal of my pain and frustration in relationships was due to poor boundary setting, I went out looking for someone to tell me when and how to set healthy boundaries. I actually asked Google once, “how do I set healthy boundaries?” Needless to say, Google and pretty much every other resource I looked to fell short.

The problem was, I was looking for something to assure me that what I believed to be healthy and respectful in relationships was okay.

Setting boundaries aren’t just about saying no. It isn’t about making someone believe they are wrong or insensitive. It’s about knowing what your standards are and that what is healthy for you is good. . . is right.

It’s knowing that what your heart is telling you is your truth.

Too often we set boundaries as a way to prove to someone that their behavior is bad, or disrespectful, or with the hopes that they will agree with us. We get flimsy and weak when they get mad, or when they don’t see our truth as their truth.

We want them to agree with us and like us, so when they leave or push back we crumble. We start to doubt ourselves and backslide.

This sends out a chaotic message to the person and to the universe. It says we just kind of, maybe sort of, know what our standards are but we are waiting on someone else to validate them.

As a result, what we end up experiencing is people and situations that test our resolve; that show us where are gaps are.

These people will continually disrespect our boundaries or try and make us feel bad. We think it’s about the other person’s poor behavior, but really it’s a message, a sign – get clear on what you know to be healthy for you, and make that enough.

I understand first hand the feelings of loss, abandonment, and not feeling good enough that can come along with someone leaving or getting mad at me when I first stood up for myself.

I understand the frustration of just wanting someone to see that it is their terrible behavior that is the problem, but the fact of the matter is it was my lack of self-worth and self-trust that were the issue.

For some people being self-centered is how they survive in their world. The question becomes: is the lack of respect enough? Are you okay with contorting yourself, your integrity, your values for someone else?

The irony is that in taking ownership of how bad I was at honoring what was healthy for me, I realized there was no way someone else could respect and honor me If I didn’t first do it myself. I couldn’t expect a person to treat me with respect and dignity if I didn’t treat myself with respect and dignity. If I was flimsy, of course, someone would continually push boundaries and ask me to put up with bad behavior.

When I got clear on my standards and started acting in ways that were more loving and trusting of my own inner knowing; when I said what I believe in is enough, I gradually grew more comfortable with standing for what was truly healthy for me.

When I stopped letting limiting, fearful, thinking run the show, I stopped settling for anything less in relationships. In changing how I was treating myself I was actually becoming the exact match for what I wanted to experience in relationships.

I actually don’t have to set healthy boundaries anymore, because the people in my life are mirrors of the love, value, and respect I now give to Self.

It really is that simple.

It may not be easy at first. You may feel uncomfortable and maybe even terrified. But I promise, all the pain that comes up is just a message that it is time to do this work. It is time to be your own hero, your own advocate, your own source of Love.

Light and Love

Megyn

How to set healthy bounaries and attract the right relationships.
Never allow someone to treat you in a way you wouldn't treat yourself

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

When It Is Time To Let Go. . . Of People!

When It Is Time To Let Go. . . Of People!

 

One of the hardest things for me to learn in life was how to stand up for myself.

I hated making other people mad and disappointing them. If I loved someone, and I don’t just mean in the romantic sense, I wanted the other person to be happy. I would rather take care of somebody else and their needs over looking difficult or losing them.

I lost myself in a lot of relationships as a consequence. I forgot what it was that I needed to serve my heart — to feel really nourished and seen in my life.

As empaths and lovers we have big hearts and flexible boundaries.

Sometimes setting healthy boundaries can be confused as selfishness, and we end up neglecting self care for fear that people won’t love us or will leave. But this is basically a subtle form of manipulation: “I contort myself to make sure you love me and never get mad at me, then resent you when I feel worn down, depleted, and unseen.”

This kind of codependent madness recently played out in a long time friendship of mine. I rarely spoke up for my needs because I had set up a dynamic where I was super accommodating, always available, and scared of her passive aggressive behavior (really scared of standing up for myself), and when I didn’t meet this person’s “expectations” the cold shoulder that blew in was like a Canadian cold-front.

Like seriously. . . kindergarten style aloofness.

I ignored it for a while, thinking surely this isn’t about me, but it had become obvious —  I had been downgraded from first class to coach in the friendship arena.

I had two choices: I could gloss over the fact that this had happened before and forge on ignoring that the friendship felt depleting and unforgiving at times, or I could actually let go and allow the relationship to leave if it was meant to leave instead of artificially trying to resuscitate and sustain it.

I chose the latter.

I realized that this role I had taken on, where I was the super easy going one in relationships, always trying to please other people was actually out of fear; a fear that if I honored and stayed true to myself, I would not be as loved or accepted. It was also a way of controlling outcomes, I didn’t set healthy boundaries as a way to prevent people from leaving my life.

I had set myself up to be the victim of my own behavior: when I felt used, worn down, depleted or unseen, it was because I was hiding, playing small, and not showing up authentically.

My journey towards healing and wholeness (which doesn’t mean perfection) meant believing that what was good for me would sustain me and move me towards more loving and fulfilling relationships.

It meant letting go of outcomes might mean letting go of people too.

It meant trusting that as I stood for and honored My Self, I would actually attract more empowering relationships.

It meant standing for my values, desires, and worth as I moved through life.

We can either live in the chaotic paradigm of trying to fix and hold onto every soul that crosses our path or we can let go and trust that what is meant to come will come into our lives, and what is meant to leave will leave.

Our only responsibility in life is to be the advocate of our own soul’s highest good.

In order to do this, we need to discern what is good for us without getting sucked into someone else’s drama.

Some connections we make on this journey are to show us what we need to own, heal and learn from. We welcome them, as little cosmic gifts to help us move forward and to grow. If in supporting our vibrancy, someone chooses to leave, then it isn’t about us and we can lovingly let them go in peace while still respecting our highest good, but everyone, everyone, deserves the dignity of choosing their own most nourishing path.

No one needs to sacrifice anything. The Uni-verse is abundant. Each of us will know in our hearts which relationships have had their time.

I love hearing from you, comment below or share if you think this will help someone.

Light and Love,
Meg

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

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