Why “choosing happy” is making you miserable

Why “choosing happy” is making you miserable

 

I have never met anyone who would “choose unhappy.” Most of the people I interact with are looking for inner peace, happiness, and general feelings of ease and trust, and most of these people are STEEPED in personal empowerment and self-help.

Perception is a choice.

And even then, a miracle of “perception shift” must address the underlying, conditional, and relational wounding which has people feeling “safe” or more “significant” within their victim stories and perceptions.

“Happiness is a choice” is one of those reductive, overly simplistic self-help-spiritual platitudes that I have seen people use to create a more “enlightened” sense of self; to spiritually bypass core discomfort, which essentially creates more of what we are trying to heal: the disconnect between our mind, body, heart, and spirit.

Yes it is true, some people will use their negative emotions as an excuse to live in that space of “victimhood” or “inaction” but most often I find when you help the “seeker” find out what they are really feeling, underneath their persistent thoughts and emotions, then teach them how they can acknowledge, feel, and heal these beliefs and STILL love themselves, happiness usually has space to naturally flow in and out of one’s life without all the grasping, chasing, denying, and “shoulding” and all over one’s self.

Please, let’s not create more shame in people’s lives by over simplifying the #wholehuman experience.

All Love. All Truth

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

Is the obsession with your thoughts really helping you?

Is the obsession with your thoughts really helping you?

The idea that our thoughts are just something we don’t have to “believe” in order to alleviate suffering is one of those self-help axioms which have become so pervasive that no one dares to question it. It’s been espoused as a high-minded ideal by “thought leaders” for so long as an “enlightened” way of dealing with our humanity, that it is swallowed hook line and sinker by every first-time seeker taking sips of the proverbial self-help Koolaid.

Our thoughts are not THE PROBLEM, they are a symptom of an underlying disconnection with ourselves: an old trauma or wound or feeling we are trying to avoid.

The truth is, our thoughts, our minds, our egos, are an amazing survival and coping mechanism our humanity relies on for protection: to guarantee us safety, security, and love. True this can be dysfunctional, but only to the point that we don’t understand where our thoughts come from or what they are trying to show us.

We have between 50,0000 and 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of them you don’t even notice or believe.

For the sake of our discussion here, I am talking about the thoughts that have emotional juice, that hold you hostage, that repetitively show up in your life.

Notice, in all the thoughts that you’ve ever had, that you didn’t want to be having, that could be qualified as “limiting” or “negative,” you never once thought about having the disempowering thought first.

So who decided that thoughts were a purely rational or logical problem? That the simple decision to call a thought “not true”, “not real”, “just a story”, “limiting”, or “negative” would be so utterly profound that the whole layered, nuanced, and complex network of human conditioning, cellular memory, stored trauma, feelings, beliefs, and subconscious imprints would all rally behind the rational mind’s attempts to muscle our whole being into believing what we think we should feel or think or deeply believe?

Anyone who has spent years in the self-help world working on “mastering their mind,” or “reframing their thoughts” or “observing their ego” knows we might get short bouts of reprieve before we are caught up in an old loop or reactive trigger or disempowering mind-stream again. It also requires a massive amount of effort and energy.

The reason wrestling our “negative” thoughts into oblivion is so catchy and popular is twofold.

A simple shifting of thoughts serves the masculine dominated, control and predict, plug in A get B, quick fix paradigm that sees life through a linear lens: “Just do this, and viola! You get that.” And it is more comfortable than doing the honest, self-reflection and heavy lifting of emotional integration, where we have to address and sift through disowned shame, grief and fear, making “change your thoughts change your life” a sellable solution, readily heralded by people who are already disconnected from themselves, allowing them to remain comfortable through dissociating more, only now more “enlightened” dissociation.

Forget “mastering your mind”, it’s not possible anyway. The mind is a tool; a portal, and an access point into deeper healing, self-connection, and renewal.

Thoughts aren’t problems to be logically talked away. Ever met someone in therapy working on the same stuff for 10 years? The mind’s outpourings are a byproduct of the fracture between our mind, body, heart and soul. They are a result of the imprinting and belief systems that were set up in early childhood trauma.

We all have trauma, it’s how we internalize fear.

So we might as well make friends with our thoughts and egos and limiting beliefs and allow them to take us to our underlying, disowned, pain, shame, and fear. Perhaps get curious about the feelings they are directing us away from for our “survival,” but truly for what they can lead us to for deep, healing, integration and renewal.

This re-connection, through our humanity as opposed to dismissing it, allows us to reclaim our hearts and bring us back to life. It opens the door to self-love and self-compassion and helps us develop a new relationship with our basic vulnerability and openness. This starts to restore what has been lost through self-abandonment and spiritual bypassing. We get more authentic vulnerability, self-intimacy, and self-trust. We experience more profound feelings of warmth and caring for the pain in our lives.

As we stop denying, dismissing, and repressing parts of ourselves, we integrate what has been disowned and the thoughts naturally become more loving, peaceful, and creative without having to go to war with ourselves, or be under constant observation.

Real compassion can only arise out of being willing to feel pain. As long as we refuse to recognize our thoughts for what they are: an access point to the undigested, stored grief material of our psyche, we won’t be able to feel any real compassion for ourselves or for others.

Compassion literally means “suffering with” — being a friend and companion to the pain that’s involved in being human.

Your thoughts don’t create your reality. Your ability to be with your wholehuman experience creates your reality.

All Love. All Truth.

Can changing your thoughts really help you?

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

How to forgive when you don’t want to.

How to forgive when you don’t want to.

When the guru waving his spiritual wand says “Choose to forgive someone in order to set yourself free,” Does the decision to engage in forgiveness miraculously take the emotional juice away? No, not hardly.

When self-help authors espouse language like: “Who is more hurtful, the person who wronged you once, or you for reliving it over and over in your head?” Do you immediately stop thinking about the transgression or logically let it go without any feelings arising ever again? Probably not.

Unfortunately, the commodification of personal “empowerment” has portrayed forgiveness as something you simply choose to “set yourself free” or even worse, something that you “already are.”

But what most self-help and spiritual axioms are talking about when they speak of forgiveness, is actually releasing.

True forgiveness is a process of acceptance, love, and even gratitude for the transgression, either perpetrated by another or by ourselves.

Therefore, forgiveness is not a thought or an idea that we can just implement because we decide to; because we decide we want to “free ourselves,” or because we want to move on.

Forgiveness is a process of healing, whereby we honor, acknowledge, and release all the emotions, feelings, and beliefs brought up in the present moment that have more to do with stored grief material, and wounding from our conditioning (think childhood).

Forgiveness is a “greater understanding” that does not occur instantaneously. It is the end result of a choice to NOT be held hostage by self-judgment, or resentment towards another, and to begin a healing process so we can transcend lessons and grow.

True forgiveness, therefore, requires intention, attention, and time.

Just like the other high-minded spiritual abuses ideals: “you are already love, compassion, peace, and abundance. . . don’t you get it?” these concepts are true on a high-level, but the way in which they are presented is over simplified, reductive, and does not represent the whole, complicated, messy, multidimensional truth of the human experience.

Humans are relational beings.

Like it or not the conditional, limited, dual-reality of our being here, gifts us with the vehicle to experience the experience of our eternal, love based Self. Therefore, if we are wounded (we all are) the wounding is on the relational level, and as a result must be addressed and healed within relationship, primarily with ourselves.

The problem with this kind of language, is it dismisses the fact that the person sincerely wanting to create more fulfilling and peaceful lives, has an unconscious map of their world that prevents them from connecting to the compassionate, love based, “eternal truths” of their nature so they can forgive, understand, and move on easily.

Blindly accessing love or forgiveness, or even simply engaging in a new belief without first reconnecting to and releasing the un-grieved debris or trauma that is re-opened up and festering in the current situation, has a consequence: the spiritual intellectual gets jammed up into his head further, dissociates more, and compartmentalizes away another layer of trauma only to relive the pain over and over again.

The unconscious patterns of recreation show up in our lives when we learn how to take the spiritual “high road,” before we learn how to truly address the core wound or belief.

Without first taking the time to honor, understand and build a bridge back to the fractured, wounded, hurt parts of our humanity, the genuine seeker will at best be muscling his way into feeling what he “thinks” he should believe, and eventually he will be confronted by his own shame, and sense of loneliness from the spiritual self-abandonment inherent in “choosing forgiveness.”

Important side-note, postscript, codicil: I say all of this as someone who forgave a person who I once thought was “unforgivable” and deeply believe that the restorative powers we are all looking for reside not in choosing forgiveness, but in the healing process of self-exploration and self-connection we take to get to forgiveness. For what most deeply lies beneath all of our resentments, hurts, wounds and traumas is essentially shame, therefore the person who is in most need of your forgiveness and compassion is YOU.

All Love

Megyn

Read: How to forgive and move on without an apology
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

Have healthy expectations of reciprocal respect, and love, and generosity, and kindness, and consideration.

This is called boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and oh, just basic human decency.

All love. All Truth.

Meg

sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through ignoring our intution
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

A prayer for recovering “choose happy” addicts – Because we all have bad days

A prayer for recovering “choose happy” addicts – Because we all have bad days

 

You might not know it if you are comparing yourself to strangers on the internet, but the reality is, that the internet and Facebook aren’t reality.

No one ever feels perfect all the time…

Isn’t that a relief?

I actually get a little angry when I see quotes flying around about “choose happy” and “happiness is a choice.”

Ultimately happiness is a consequence of feeling like we have choices; of feeling empowered in our lives.

Happiness is more likely to flow through you when you aren’t fighting for it. It’s a natural emotion that comes when we feel resourced and whole from within, which means allowing what arises in us to be seen.

And some days, it’s totally appropriate, dare I say it – to not choose happy.

Ironically my life has become infinitely more joyous, peaceful, trusting and loving because I stopped trying to be a positive Pollyanna all the freaking time.

Which is why when you embrace whatever it is that you might be feeling, you move through it more ease, grace and trust.

Now, my “off days” are far less ominous and I feel safe and seen and nurtured. As long as I stay away from “shoulding” all over myself.

I wrote this during one of my voracious journaling periods; kind of like Picasso’s Blue period, the kind where you just give all your crazy over to God on paper or canvas or whatever medium you see fit.

This is a prayer for when you feel lost, off track, melancholy or fear.

I Trust Prayer

I trust in the divines love that I am connected to.

I trust I am loved unconditionally.

I trust I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

I trust in my heart.

I trust in abundance and beauty.

I trust that tomorrow brings with it new opportunities to love myself and start anew.

I trust in the divine order of things; that I will get everything I need in order to serve my soul’s highest path.

I trust in a beautiful process that I can not understand.

I trust my life has value. I trust I am lovable just the way I am. I trust that expansion and connection live in me.

I trust that I am trusting and allowing more.

I trust that I know what is best for me.

I trust that I’ll always find a way. I trust that I will be shown the next move. I trust that my job is to listen.

I trust that this is a stepping stone.

I trust that I always have a choice.

I trust that I have all I need inside of me to create the loving life I desire. I trust that God, Source, Light walk with me.

I trust that I don’t have control over anything but me.

I trust that there are signs and guidance when I get out of my own way.

I trust that what is meant to come will come into my life, and what is meant to leave I can let go of.

I trust that when I get centered and I am still I can hear you, see you and feel you.

I trust that life is on my side.

I trust that when I am connected to myself, even more than I can imagine will flow through me.

I trust that I can grieve and feel all my feelings safely today .

I trust that you hear me with out me speaking.

I trust.

I love hearing from you, comment below and share if you think this is good, great, awesome.

Light and Love

Megyn

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL AS MUCH JOY, TRUST, AND LOVE AS IS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, NOW!

My mission is to bridge the gap that exists between high-level-woo-woo-spiritulity, self-love and your everyday life. Stick around, kick up your heels, read for a while. I am sure we'll be fast friends.

Is your gratitude and positive thinking practice doing more harm than good?

Is your gratitude and positive thinking practice doing more harm than good?

I’m all for gratitude.

I love “everything happens for a reason” and finding the lesson in a difficult situation. I believe there is wisdom in looking at ourselves and our stories. It is noble to take radical responsibility.

But what about our emotions? What about the legitimacy of the feelings that arise when you’re in the middle of the “shit storm”?

As a spiritual aspirant – I’m guilty.

I’m guilty of getting caught up in the positive thinking and manifesting madness that has us monitoring every negative thought, feeling, and emotion.

But the spiritual concepts like “happiness is a choice” and “your thoughts create your reality” can be confusing and tormenting if misunderstood. And quite frankly, I witness a lot of misunderstanding.

I was a chronic positive-think-my-way-into-a-different-perspective kind of girl. I had experienced a little bit of trauma: my parents went through a divorce, a close family member was murdered, my step-mom committed suicide, I got diagnosed with a rare brain tumor, then I nearly died and spent 10 days barely holding on to life in the hospital, and oh-by-the-way, an abusive relationship just for fun all before the age of 35.

Yet, I remained positive. I had been shifting and observing my thoughts for years through personal development and mindfulness. I could silver line a nuclear Holocaust.

But there was a cost: I was severely disconnected from my intuition, my inner knowing, and I didn’t trust myself.

And isn’t that kind of the point of spiritual practice? Of working on ourselves? To be deeply rooted in who we are, to trust our intuition, so we can then have abundant spiritual and human experiences?

If you are here, you probably don’t need to disassociate from your feelings anymore. Most of us get onto this path because we are energetically sensitive, empathetic, emotional people who have never learned how to feel what we are feeling (different from emotional triggers) without making ourselves wrong.

When we focus on our stories and limiting beliefs without acknowledging the core messages that lie underneath the emotions and thoughts, it is just another way the ego disassociates – kind of like an addict going for alcohol to avoid the discomfort of living.

As a result of never allowing our deepest feelings and beliefs to come to the surface, we separate ourselves further from our sensitivities, from our intuition, and from feeling connected from within. We actually exacerbate the very situation we are trying to fix: our relationship with our Truth and ourselves.

If we aren’t a sacred place to be fully human, messiness and all — then who and what are we looking to for that wholeness, for our power?

When I realized this was just a way to give the ego more power (directing the mind at the expense of feeling my core feelings) and that I was actually acting out of fear, because I hated myself for being vulnerable, I knew it was time to develop a new relationship with my whole self.

Yes, it’s important to not buy into the place called “crazy-town” in our minds. Yes, it is important to be aware of our reactive emotions. Yes, it is important to take personal responsibility. Yes, it is important to not project all of our wounds and soft spots onto someone else, blaming them for what we are feeling at the moment, but . . .

The beauty of being a soul having a human experience, is in finding the courage to acknowledge our tender, wounded, broken, and messy without shame, with total acceptance, with some reverence, and with humility, so we can heal the original source wound of separation from love; so we can cultivate a deep level of intimacy, trust, and truth with ourselves and with others.

The beauty of our emotions is that they are the doorway into deeper, unheard, wounds, and beliefs. They are the bridge and the channel for unconditional love with ourselves, for honest communication with others, and for being fully present in the here and now.

Through honoring the language of our emotions, of our feelings, and of our experiences, we heal years of denied, repressed, stored, grief material that creates the filter we navigate our life from.

Connecting to our feelings is the difference between a “good” spiritual practice and an actual spiritual experience.

When we learn how to feel, heal, integrate, and become whole, we get laughter through tears, joy in the middle of breakdowns, peace in the face of chaos, and trust in the face of the unknown.

Through experiencing all we were meant to experience here, we get glorious #Wholehuman™ living.

Light and Love
Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

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