When I first started out in self-help and personal-empowerment years ago, I was looking for that illusive secret, tip, or trick that would help me learn how to be a happier person. I thought if I could just fix me, or be better, or figure IT out, then I would create landslides of love, peace and happiness, all the time.
Of course that was immaturity, and spiritual ego, and just plain ole’ wrong. In part, my message and platform is in response to the positive psychology and “choose happines” movement I was sucked into for years, and to be honest, I feel did more detriment to a generation of seekers than their actual misery ever could have.
Now, looking back, I can see it was all extremely short sighted, born out of one man’s own angst, and for profit in an industry that thrives on catering to our discomfort, pains and insecurities.
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some principles we can learn, which help us to not be so in resistance to life; that will absolutely give us more freedom, more choices, and as a result allow for the natural ebb and flow of the emotion of happiness to move through us more regularly
Here are some of the principles I implement. Remember, I’m not chasing happiness as an end. I don’t even try to find it. I just allow these principles to guide and serve me in my life, and then happiness, well she always finds her way back to me.
The hardest person to forgive is usually yourself. Resentments show up for a reason. That person or problem you are having a hard time letting go of, is probably an invitation to retrace your steps and find out where you self-abandoned, ignored your intuition or didn’t stand for your own worth. When you can forgive yourself, you have access to your power and can make new choices in the future.
You will always have an inner five year and old. He/She needs compassion and loving awareness, not to be told she’s “not real” or rationalized away through asking “is this true?” All aspects of who we are “are real” – they just aren’t the only thing that is real. When we see our tender and shadow-self with compassion and reverence, she has less control and she’s less likely to unconsciously react, chase and manipulate. Most often she’s just waiting for YOU to finally show up for YOU.
Acceptance is different than tolerance. Acceptance is clearly seeing a situation without the projections, distortions, fantasies, and triggers that normally distort the clearest picture. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to put up with it or tolerate it. You can discern, “more of the same? or “do I wish to create something different?” You often can’t change who is doing what, but you can make more empowered choices. And remember, choosing to not make a choice, is still a choice.
Learn how to grieve. Grief is miraculously cleansing. It’s like a detox for the soul. I had no idea how to do this for a long time. I thought negative emotions would bring more negativity into my life, so I bypassed a lot of healing opportunities. This created stuck, stored grief material and unhealed debris that festered. Our souls will keep recreating opportunities in our lives to heal and create new patterns until we FINALLY lean into the underlying core wound or core belief. Acknowledge grief, sadness, loss, and anger. They just want your attention, and sooner or later they will get it.
Learn what’s yours and what isn’t yours. If you are an empath, intuitive, creative, or emotionally and energetically sensitive, it’s easy to be a sponge and take on the world’s hurts and pains as if they are our own. But it is essential, if we want to do good in the world, to know where our boundaries start and stop; to Know what we have power over; to Know what we are responsible for and to Know that our worth is not tied into healing and fixing everyone we meet.
Be equally as grateful for what you don’t have as for what you do have. Sometimes what isn’t in our life is just as important as what is in our life. The voids in our life are preparing us; asking us to go deeper; showing us how far we’ve come. Spaciousness is always an opportunity for massive doses of self-love and gratitude. Ask for guidance if you are unsure: “Please show me what I most need to see now. I am grateful. I am open.” The in-between is actually your cosmic usher asking you to take a breath and enjoy the ride.
Learn to work with the contractions and expansions in your life. We get addicted to doing, creating, achieving and closing deals. Expansion feels good. It’s our soul discovering new territory, showing us the higher potentiality in our lives. But if we don’t learn how to settle into the energy of stillness, renewal, and retreat equally as much, we will miss the opportunities for healing and deeper levels of truth to be shown to us. Tell the taskmaster in you to “shut up and sit down we’re taking a breather!”
Know your core values. A lot of internal angst and shame come from thinking we should be doing something the way someone else is doing it. Life is so much more enjoyable and easy when the goals we make are in alignment with our own heart and soul. I will never be a domestic goddess or a world traveler, so I don’t put pressure on myself to have house beautiful or fill up my passport with exotic stamps from foreign countries. But I do love learning new things, writing, and taking care of my health so I schedule these things in and budget for them without guilt.
Be honest, ruthlessly authentic, and say what you mean to say. Have enough self-awareness to know your own motive and be clear about it. Say what you’re scared to say. “I really want you back in my life.” “I want to explore what’s possible with you.” “I don’t feel this is aligned with my heart and soul.” “I really love you, but I don’t want to be with you.” Whatever it is that feels vulnerable, silly or “too much authenticity” for someone, is usually the very thing you need to say or admit to set yourself free. Speaking from our deepest truths opens up the exact dialogue to move forward. It’s better to be honest and clear and know, than to live in the inertia and smallness of not being fully expressed.
When in doubt, just ask! Everyone I know understands I don’t make assumptions. If I want something, I ask. If I feel something, I WILL lovingly tell you. The guarantee on my end is I am always compassionate. I see a lot of people make the mistake of jumping to conclusions or trying to decipher what someone means. Being vague and playing games are for people who don’t know who they are and manipulators. You deserve to know the truth. And if someone gets weird or uncomfortable, then they aren’t able to have the same kind of honest conversations as you are.
See, hear and talk to everyone as if they are powerful and beautiful. Everyone we meet will be in different stages of their own evolution. If we can hear them as their most powerful, creative selves who just want love and connection the same way we do, we literally will feel more love, because when we participate in love purely, we feel Love more profoundly through that demonstration. When we see people as just their limitations, it actually keeps both us and them small because there is a separation that doesn’t allow for the transfer of love.
Your body is sacred. Let me repeat. Your body, your heart, your love, your sexuality are all sacred. For too long I didn’t value that my heart, body, and sexuality were connected. I don’t apologize for this anymore. I don’t need to use my body as an object to get approval, attention or love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my feminine power and my human desires. This energy, put to good, conscious, use is powerfully creative, loving and expansive. But, unconsciously used as the source of our worth and value, it can be destructive to ourselves and others. Learn to discern who is ready and deserving of your divine worth.
Become your own Beloved. Fairy-tale romances are fun. But they’ve conditioned us to believe that there is a storybook prince or princess out there who will ease all our pain, complete us, and make life wonderful. When we discover how to be our own lover, partner, admirer, and supporter, we start to generate these feelings from within and begin to really Know ourselves. This creates space for the authentic YOU to show up without neediness, blindness, or grasping in relationships. This is the foundation for allowing your soul to resonate with other soul’s on your path; this is where unconditional Love meets her match and says “I love you because I am love” not because of what you can provide for me.
The prequal to this installation is here. Please comment, share, and spread the love.
As always, all love, all truth.
Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach
My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.