Forgiveness is a process and a feeling, not a choice – How to really forgive and move on

Forgiveness is a process and a feeling, not a choice – How to really forgive and move on

I used to jump to forgiveness before I was ready because all the “gurus” and teachers I was plugged in to were waving spiritual wands and proclaiming “Choose to forgive so you can set yourself free.” But I noticed that the simple mindset shift or decision to engage in forgiveness, never miraculously took the emotional juice away.

Forgiveness is a process and a feeling, not a choice, that take time through intentional healing, processing, and releasing.

Soundbite spirituality and self-help often portray forgiveness as a choice to “set yourself free” or even worse, something that you “already are.” But what most self-help and spiritual axioms are talking about when they speak of forgiveness, is actually releasing.

True forgiveness is a process of acceptance, love, and even gratitude for the transgression, either perpetrated by another or by ourselves.

Therefore, forgiveness is not a thought or an idea that we can just implement because we decide to; because we decide we want to “free ourselves,” or because we want to move on.

Forgiveness is a process of healing whereby we honor, acknowledge, and release all the emotions, feelings, and beliefs brought up in the present moment that have more to do with stored grief material, and wounding from our conditioning (think childhood).

Forgiveness is a “greater understanding” that does not occur instantaneously. It is the end result of a choice to NOT be held hostage by self-judgment, or resentment towards another, and to begin a healing process so we can transcend lessons and grow.

True forgiveness, therefore, requires intention, attention, and time.

Just like the other high-minded spiritual abuses ideals: “you are already love, compassion, peace, and abundance. . . don’t you get it?” these concepts are true on a high-level, but the way in which they are presented is oversimplified, reductive, and does not represent the whole, complicated, messy, multidimensional truth of the human experience.

Humans are relational beings.

Like it or not the conditional, limited, dual-reality of our being here, gifts us with the vehicle to experience the experience of our eternal, love-based Self. Therefore, if we are wounded (we all are) the wounding is on the relational level, and as a result must be addressed and healed within relationship, primarily with ourselves.

The problem with this kind of language, is it dismisses the fact that the person sincerely wanting to create more fulfilling and peaceful lives, has an unconscious map of their world that prevents them from connecting to the compassionate, love-based, “eternal truths” of their nature so they can forgive, understand, and move on easily.

Blindly accessing love or forgiveness, or even simply engaging in a new belief without first reconnecting to and releasing the un-grieved debris or trauma that is re-opened up and festering in the current situation, has a consequence: the spiritual intellectual gets jammed up into his head further, dissociates more, and compartmentalizes away another layer of trauma only to relive the pain over and over again.

The unconscious patterns of recreation show up in our lives when we learn how to take the spiritual “high road,” before we learn how to truly address the core wound or belief.

Without first taking the time to honor, understand and build a bridge back to the fractured, wounded, hurt parts of our humanity, the genuine seeker will at best be muscling his way into feeling what he “thinks” he should believe, and eventually he will be confronted by his own shame, and sense of loneliness from the spiritual self-abandonment inherent in “choosing forgiveness.”

Important side-note, postscript, codicil: I say all of this as someone who forgave a person who I once thought was “unforgivable” and deeply believe that the restorative powers we are all looking for reside not in choosing forgiveness, but in the healing process of self-exploration and self-connection we take to get to forgiveness. For what most deeply lies beneath all of our resentments, hurts, wounds and traumas is essentially shame, therefore the person who is in most need of your forgiveness and compassion is YOU.

All Love

Megyn

Read: How to forgive and move on without an apology

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

 

A few weeks ago, I felt like an adolescent girl held hostage by hormones: on the verge of crying every few minutes, super tender, for no reason at all.

I. Was. Just. Over. It.

Overworked. Overstretched. Over dead-lined. Overtired. Overexposed.

When a male friend of mine, on a one-cup-of-coffee morning, made a sarcastic, “half-joking” uncool, personal jab. . . instead of feeling centered and grounded and then being able to set a nice boundary, I let him have it. On no uncertain terms, sternly: “Not cool. Don’t do it again!”

Then, he blew up on me.

Like attacked me personally. It was not how I expected it to go.

I thought about how the whole thing went down. Was what I did wrong? Uncalled for? No! Was setting a healthy boundary appropriate? Totally! Could I have handled it mo-better? More lovingly? AB-SO-FREAK-ING-LUTELY!

And, because I am committed to owning my shit, I knew I had to apologize. Not just for him, but for me too.

Within the hour, with uncontrollable tears streaming downing my face I said: “I am sorry! I could have handled that better. I could have said, ‘please don’t say that to me again.’ I understand if you felt attacked.”

I didn’t add any “buts,” no justifications, no pointing the finger back at him. It was just about the fact that I could have been more loving.

I believe he must have felt totally seen and understood because he gave me a big ole’ hug and said: “it’s okay.” In fact, he’s been super tender with me ever since.

Were there issues with the way he handled it? Arguably, many.

But it is not my job to retrain adult men how to deal with their stuff. And thankfully, because I am comfortable with who I am, and I know where my realm of power lies, I was able to comfortably just take responsibility for me.

In my experience, we feel love most profoundly when we are participating in Love purely; when we don’t actually need anything from back from people. This is what is meant by being “whole,” or fully resourced from within: we are our own containers of validation, worth, approval, happiness, and love.

It doesn’t mean we are perfect or don’t have any soft spots, or won’t ever be triggered again. But we are clear that the world is not responsible to provide us with our basic sense of Self. We aren’t relying on other people to make us feel better.

From here, from this kind of self-connection and wholeness, we can be present, and presence always gifts us with clarity and with access to the most loving way to proceed forward.

It is way more empowering to see where we could have acted more in alignment with love as opposed to being stuck in the obsessive rumination of “why we are justified” or “why so-and-so shouldn’t have talked to me that way.”

Own your shit, because I promise, this always feels more loving.

How to really apologize: own your shit. read more here.

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

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For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

Have healthy expectations of reciprocal respect, and love, and generosity, and kindness, and consideration.

This is called boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and oh, just basic human decency.

All love. All Truth.

Meg

sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through ignoring our intution
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

How to focus on yourself without comparing your life to others

How to focus on yourself without comparing your life to others

 

It’s easy to look around at what other people have or how their paths look, and get stuck in the trap of imagning they have it better. But if you are to truly live your most authentic and meaningful life, you have to stop comparing your life to others.

In case you didn’t know, I’m ancient years old, (37.5 rockin’ years on this planet ) and have been single for some time now: 2 years, 8 months, and 17 days at the moment this post was written. And to be brutally honest, I’ve spent more time out of relationship than I’ve been in a relationship in this lifetime.

I do desire magnificent partnership. . . I think life just had other plans for me.

I’ve certainly made an effort. I promise I am not hiding in my house writing change-your-life-posts all day. I’ve said yes to some dates I probably should have said no to (I love how hind sight is like, “yup, your intuition is on fire girrl”). I’ve done some internet dating, once, maybe twice, but, NEV. ER. A. GAIN.

I’m open. I make time. But, I never push. 

In fact, I so deeply trust that I’ll KNOW, and that it WILL happen when the time is right for both of us, that I just keep enjoying the hell out of cultivating the deepest, most trusting, relationship I can have with myself, and then watching how that permeates into loving friendships and circumstances in my life NOW.

But, I am human.

There have been a few times over the last two years where I have said to the Universe: I’m ready already. I’ve done the inner work. I just want to feel my love in action with another human being.

And then Life laughs at me again: there is more to let go of, there is more to surrender, there are more depths of taking care of me that are being explored.

So last year I made a deal with the Universe. Did you know you can make those?

I said “my magnificent partner is going to have to freaking fall out of the freaking sky, because this making-it-happen-dating-stuff feels gross!

The ironic thing was, after that deal, I had more dates with men that I more deeply resonated with, and quite literally they were freaking falling out of the freaking sky.

Even when my mind wanted to fit them into a box, I never pushed. Each one got closer to a soulful match. Each one showed me the Universe is way more creative than I am. Each one felt like more cosmic sorting and affirmation: trust yourself, then just show up.

I know it’s hard when you desire something; when you are ready for what you want to happen faster.

It can feel like the voids and spaciousness are just there for your personal torture. And, damn-it, you’ve put in the work.

It almost seems like a test: “Can I surrender? Align? Live in integrity more than I already am?”

Yes. The answer is yes.

Because if it’s not happening, most likely you aren’t ready, or you need to trust that the physical world takes a little bit of time to bring stuff together, because. . . HELLO! matter is dense, and there are more lives than just yours involved here.

Aside from learning more patience and surrender, check in, make sure you aren’t desperate attached to said think happening.

Am I truly ready? Am I truly happy without it? Do I really feel I deserve said thing? Can I let go of it happening the way I want it too?”

The circumstance, or status, or relationship can not be what we derive our wholeness and happiness from – that power can only be found deeply within.

I won’t ever give up my deepest heart’s desires, and you don’t have to either, but there is always more perfection, love, and truth to find in the present moment.

When we fall in love with our lives now, we are much more open, receptive and magnetic to the highest YES in our life to occur, as opposed to grasping through wounding, or chasing through desperation, or manipulating without heart.

Trust the beautiful mystery of things unfolding and find more compassion and love for your fears. Keep asking: “How do I surrender more? Show me what I need to see? I’m here with my eyes, ears, and heart wide open.”

Dedicate your life to the delicate balance between allowing, receiving and putting one foot in front of the other, then watch what miracles start to occur. They do start to occur.

Learn to trust yourself and your life.

Witness.

Love.

Show up for the process of your unfolding.

And be hopelessly devoted to the purest desire you have: to love yourself more from within.

You are the one you’ve been waiting for.

 

defensive side-note: When I was in my late twenties (when dating really starts to count) I was in survival mode with a host of medical issues and could have cared less about dating. Then my thirties come around, and half of the people I knew who married in their early twenties were getting divorced, I was grateful that I had waited. I have had three significant relationships in this lifetime, one of them when I was 19 and didn’t know anything about relationship. The next one was abusive and showed me my blind spots and where I needed to heal to prepare for true union. The other one only lasted 8 weeks because in his words “he wasn’t ready to put his big-boy pants on.” I was grateful for his honesty, but more grateful for the opportunity to see how I had changed in romantic relationships.

I don’t make lists of “need to haves” or manifesting boards for my love life. I am absolutely humbled and in awe by the selection of men whose path’s I’ve crossed, and I am excited to see what the next one looks like.

 

All Love. All Truth.

Megyn

in between goals and all the things we are waiting on

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a bad ass, non-new-age, private Facebook group where we talk about real life self-love, self-awareness, and self-trust.

 

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Essential truths you need to know before your 30

Essential truths you need to know before your 30

 

As my birthday month passes and I find myself closer to 40 than I am not, (oh-mah-gosh that sounds weird) it’s hard not to think about what the next half of my life will look like. My mid-thirties have been fast and furious as age seems to compress time, lessons and truths, in the same way, that my twenties seemed to mercifully meander by.

I stand on a strange precipice between absolute trust that pain will inevitably arise over and over again, as I am committed to being fully human: living with my heart and arms wide open, welcoming all the gifts of this crazy life.

Yet, at the same time, knowing that the truth of Life is this: she doesn’t guarantee easy but, she does say the best is yet to come; that each year gets infinitely better as we peel back more and more layers that guide us deeper into our own hearts, and bring us closer to our truth.

In the past few years my life and connections have opened up and come alive in ways I could never have imagined and it’s because I finally understood how to let go of just as much as I learned how to love, trust and listen to myself.

If you can implement these essential principles life should feel like a beautiful, mysterious, terrain that celebrates the delicate balance between being fully grounded in our humanness and yet ever more present to our soul’s eternal connection.

Let your heart be the architect and the mind be the builder. Don’t think your way through life. Feel your way through life. The mind is woefully inept at conceiving all possibilities. It really can only direct you from a future based need of security or past-based fear matrix. Your feelings are an amazing compass. They direct you from an innate knowing into a pathway of healing, intuition, and self-discovery.

Let go of needing to know. Sometimes we’re not supposed to know everything. The gifts of Life/Spirit sometimes take a while to reveal themselves. Try not to fit people or situations into your “ideas” about what they “should” be. You are better off loving and living and playing through the present moment. This is where the gifts happen – through experience, outside of thought.

Learn to really like yourself. Like, really enjoy your own company. The relationship you have with yourself is the highest priority you have. Cultivate enjoyment in being alone, in silence and in being single. Go to dinner, movies, and on vacations alone. Have passions and hobbies just for you. Don’t look to anyone to make you feel valued, important or sexy. You’ll always be starving, in need, and disappointed if you are looking to relationships, identities, or careers to provide you with your worth. When you truly enjoy and love yourself – everything else is just a gift.

You can’t rescue, fix or heal anyone. In fact, if you are drawn to human projects, you actually should turn the mirror around on yourself. We often focus on “fixing” others to avoid looking at our own self-love gaps. Getting caught up in other people’s messiness at the expense of our own needs and self-worth is the surest way to show the Universe how little you think of yourself. The most loving thing you can do for another is take care of yourself first. But…

Know your standards. Have boundaries.  It’s healthy to have boundaries and standards of respect, trust, and dignity in relationships. If someone has a hard time understanding or honoring these standards, let them go. Trust that loving yourself will take care of replacing that relationship with something better. Not knowing what you stand for is the quickest way to become a doormat and become victim to your own lack of boundaries.

You have no power over other people. Focus on your own little hula-hoop of energy. We don’t have control over other people’s reactions, feelings or their truth. You can try your best to show up authentically and lovingly, yet there are still going to be some people who won’t be able to see you, hear you and meet you where you are at. And know…

It’s not about you. Don’t take somebody’s bad behavior personally. As much as it hurts – hurt people, hurt people. Some people we meet will understand relationship differently. They have survival mechanisms built on fear and unconscious maps of their world, but you always have the right to say “this is not healthy; this is not what I want to continue creating.” Leave it at that. No explanation necessary!

Do no harm. Ever. To yourself or another. Always ask yourself, “is this actually selfish rationale that is dishonoring my highest yes?” “Am I ignoring consequences to get instant gratification?” “Will my choices harm someone else?” Every choice we make has ripple effects. There are thousands of people who will be directly and indirectly touched by both your kindness and lack of awareness. Be kind when in doubt.

You aren’t an island. There will come a time when you will feel lost. But, I guarantee there is someone you know who has been through what you are going through. Don’t live in shame or isolation. Tell at least one person the whole truth. Give your darkest moments room to breathe. Just make sure it’s in a safe space with no judgment.

Happiness is not a choice. Yes, I said it. It’s a consequence of feeling empowered; of feeling like we have choices. Don’t ever side step your pain or accept situations that are painful in the name of being “conscious.” Take time to feel it, explore it and release it without judgment. Try to find the core feeling, the one without thoughts attached. Happiness is more likely to flow through you when you aren’t fighting for it. It’s a natural emotion that comes when we feel resourced and whole from within, which means allowing what arises in us to be seen.

There is more than one way to do this thing called life. Your path does not have to look like everybody else’s path to be valuable. Get married. Don’t get married. Have children. Don’t have children. Travel, move, get a job, start a company, stay put. There are a million different choices to make. Just make them your own.

Never assume that other people have it all together. The wisest people I know, admit every day they are still trying to figure this sh** out. Life is not an arrival. It’s an ever deepening unfolding and journey, whereby we keep being shown more grace, love and knowing if we choose to act in ways that serve our hearts and ultimately love.

Watch for the second installation on lessons to help make you life freaking amazing!

All Love All Truth

Megyn

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

Do you have the same definitions of kindness and respect? (The life changing advice I’d never thought of)

Do you have the same definitions of kindness and respect? (The life changing advice I’d never thought of)

 

One of the simplest and most profound pieces of advice ever given to me was from a Buddhist friend twenty years older and wiser than me. He said, “Megyn if you don’t have the same definitions of kindness and respect, the relationships you have will never work.”

Why was this simple and seemingly obvious life advice such a soul-affirming-a-ha-moment for me?

Like it immediately took away all the confusing guessing games in relationships and gave back years to my life in saved hours from wasteful rumination.

Why is it that somewhere between kindergarten and adolescence we forget that the nice kids are the ones we want to play with?

Why is that in adulthood most of the people I talk to and work with have been entangled in disrespectful and toxic relationship dynamics?

Why is that kindness and respect are not taught as required learning for college freshman?

Is it simply that we have big hearts and want to believe the best in people? Is it some subconscious form of neediness: Loving another until our hearts bleed so they will see our value and love us back?

Have we been so desensitized by the media that bad behavior is the new normal?

Or is it simpler than that? Do we just not feel worthy enough to wait for kindness and respect? Do we just not know what our standards of kindness and respect are?

The truth is it’s much more complex and layered than any one answer, but I do know that receiving and allowing respect and kindness into our lives begins with being clear on our own values, our worth, and our deepest desires, and then trusting that life will organically shape itself around you mirroring this self-love back to us through gifts of deeper and truer connection.

Self-love is the most potent and powerful form of energy and the Universe really likes this kind of clarity.

And while not everyone will be able to live their life this way or even have the same ideas of respect and kindness we can move through our lives taking nothing personally, having compassion in our hearts for all souls, but making room in our lives for kindness and respect to resonate.

All Love

Megyn

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

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