Why “choosing happy” is making you miserable

Why “choosing happy” is making you miserable

 

I have never met anyone who would “choose unhappy.” Most of the people I interact with are looking for inner peace, happiness, and general feelings of ease and trust, and most of these people are STEEPED in personal empowerment and self-help.

Perception is a choice.

And even then, a miracle of “perception shift” must address the underlying, conditional, and relational wounding which has people feeling “safe” or more “significant” within their victim stories and perceptions.

“Happiness is a choice” is one of those reductive, overly simplistic self-help-spiritual platitudes that I have seen people use to create a more “enlightened” sense of self; to spiritually bypass core discomfort, which essentially creates more of what we are trying to heal: the disconnect between our mind, body, heart, and spirit.

Yes it is true, some people will use their negative emotions as an excuse to live in that space of “victimhood” or “inaction” but most often I find when you help the “seeker” find out what they are really feeling, underneath their persistent thoughts and emotions, then teach them how they can acknowledge, feel, and heal these beliefs and STILL love themselves, happiness usually has space to naturally flow in and out of one’s life without all the grasping, chasing, denying, and “shoulding” and all over one’s self.

Please, let’s not create more shame in people’s lives by over simplifying the #wholehuman experience.

All Love. All Truth

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

Is the obsession with your thoughts really helping you?

Is the obsession with your thoughts really helping you?

The idea that our thoughts are just something we don’t have to “believe” in order to alleviate suffering is one of those self-help axioms which have become so pervasive that no one dares to question it. It’s been espoused as a high-minded ideal by “thought leaders” for so long as an “enlightened” way of dealing with our humanity, that it is swallowed hook line and sinker by every first-time seeker taking sips of the proverbial self-help Koolaid.

Our thoughts are not THE PROBLEM, they are a symptom of an underlying disconnection with ourselves: an old trauma or wound or feeling we are trying to avoid.

The truth is, our thoughts, our minds, our egos, are an amazing survival and coping mechanism our humanity relies on for protection: to guarantee us safety, security, and love. True this can be dysfunctional, but only to the point that we don’t understand where our thoughts come from or what they are trying to show us.

We have between 50,0000 and 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of them you don’t even notice or believe.

For the sake of our discussion here, I am talking about the thoughts that have emotional juice, that hold you hostage, that repetitively show up in your life.

Notice, in all the thoughts that you’ve ever had, that you didn’t want to be having, that could be qualified as “limiting” or “negative,” you never once thought about having the disempowering thought first.

So who decided that thoughts were a purely rational or logical problem? That the simple decision to call a thought “not true”, “not real”, “just a story”, “limiting”, or “negative” would be so utterly profound that the whole layered, nuanced, and complex network of human conditioning, cellular memory, stored trauma, feelings, beliefs, and subconscious imprints would all rally behind the rational mind’s attempts to muscle our whole being into believing what we think we should feel or think or deeply believe?

Anyone who has spent years in the self-help world working on “mastering their mind,” or “reframing their thoughts” or “observing their ego” knows we might get short bouts of reprieve before we are caught up in an old loop or reactive trigger or disempowering mind-stream again. It also requires a massive amount of effort and energy.

The reason wrestling our “negative” thoughts into oblivion is so catchy and popular is twofold.

A simple shifting of thoughts serves the masculine dominated, control and predict, plug in A get B, quick fix paradigm that sees life through a linear lens: “Just do this, and viola! You get that.” And it is more comfortable than doing the honest, self-reflection and heavy lifting of emotional integration, where we have to address and sift through disowned shame, grief and fear, making “change your thoughts change your life” a sellable solution, readily heralded by people who are already disconnected from themselves, allowing them to remain comfortable through dissociating more, only now more “enlightened” dissociation.

Forget “mastering your mind”, it’s not possible anyway. The mind is a tool; a portal, and an access point into deeper healing, self-connection, and renewal.

Thoughts aren’t problems to be logically talked away. Ever met someone in therapy working on the same stuff for 10 years? The mind’s outpourings are a byproduct of the fracture between our mind, body, heart and soul. They are a result of the imprinting and belief systems that were set up in early childhood trauma.

We all have trauma, it’s how we internalize fear.

So we might as well make friends with our thoughts and egos and limiting beliefs and allow them to take us to our underlying, disowned, pain, shame, and fear. Perhaps get curious about the feelings they are directing us away from for our “survival,” but truly for what they can lead us to for deep, healing, integration and renewal.

This re-connection, through our humanity as opposed to dismissing it, allows us to reclaim our hearts and bring us back to life. It opens the door to self-love and self-compassion and helps us develop a new relationship with our basic vulnerability and openness. This starts to restore what has been lost through self-abandonment and spiritual bypassing. We get more authentic vulnerability, self-intimacy, and self-trust. We experience more profound feelings of warmth and caring for the pain in our lives.

As we stop denying, dismissing, and repressing parts of ourselves, we integrate what has been disowned and the thoughts naturally become more loving, peaceful, and creative without having to go to war with ourselves, or be under constant observation.

Real compassion can only arise out of being willing to feel pain. As long as we refuse to recognize our thoughts for what they are: an access point to the undigested, stored grief material of our psyche, we won’t be able to feel any real compassion for ourselves or for others.

Compassion literally means “suffering with” — being a friend and companion to the pain that’s involved in being human.

Your thoughts don’t create your reality. Your ability to be with your wholehuman experience creates your reality.

All Love. All Truth.

Can changing your thoughts really help you?

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

How to forgive when you don’t want to.

How to forgive when you don’t want to.

When the guru waving his spiritual wand says “Choose to forgive someone in order to set yourself free,” Does the decision to engage in forgiveness miraculously take the emotional juice away? No, not hardly.

When self-help authors espouse language like: “Who is more hurtful, the person who wronged you once, or you for reliving it over and over in your head?” Do you immediately stop thinking about the transgression or logically let it go without any feelings arising ever again? Probably not.

Unfortunately, the commodification of personal “empowerment” has portrayed forgiveness as something you simply choose to “set yourself free” or even worse, something that you “already are.”

But what most self-help and spiritual axioms are talking about when they speak of forgiveness, is actually releasing.

True forgiveness is a process of acceptance, love, and even gratitude for the transgression, either perpetrated by another or by ourselves.

Therefore, forgiveness is not a thought or an idea that we can just implement because we decide to; because we decide we want to “free ourselves,” or because we want to move on.

Forgiveness is a process of healing, whereby we honor, acknowledge, and release all the emotions, feelings, and beliefs brought up in the present moment that have more to do with stored grief material, and wounding from our conditioning (think childhood).

Forgiveness is a “greater understanding” that does not occur instantaneously. It is the end result of a choice to NOT be held hostage by self-judgment, or resentment towards another, and to begin a healing process so we can transcend lessons and grow.

True forgiveness, therefore, requires intention, attention, and time.

Just like the other high-minded spiritual abuses ideals: “you are already love, compassion, peace, and abundance. . . don’t you get it?” these concepts are true on a high-level, but the way in which they are presented is over simplified, reductive, and does not represent the whole, complicated, messy, multidimensional truth of the human experience.

Humans are relational beings.

Like it or not the conditional, limited, dual-reality of our being here, gifts us with the vehicle to experience the experience of our eternal, love based Self. Therefore, if we are wounded (we all are) the wounding is on the relational level, and as a result must be addressed and healed within relationship, primarily with ourselves.

The problem with this kind of language, is it dismisses the fact that the person sincerely wanting to create more fulfilling and peaceful lives, has an unconscious map of their world that prevents them from connecting to the compassionate, love based, “eternal truths” of their nature so they can forgive, understand, and move on easily.

Blindly accessing love or forgiveness, or even simply engaging in a new belief without first reconnecting to and releasing the un-grieved debris or trauma that is re-opened up and festering in the current situation, has a consequence: the spiritual intellectual gets jammed up into his head further, dissociates more, and compartmentalizes away another layer of trauma only to relive the pain over and over again.

The unconscious patterns of recreation show up in our lives when we learn how to take the spiritual “high road,” before we learn how to truly address the core wound or belief.

Without first taking the time to honor, understand and build a bridge back to the fractured, wounded, hurt parts of our humanity, the genuine seeker will at best be muscling his way into feeling what he “thinks” he should believe, and eventually he will be confronted by his own shame, and sense of loneliness from the spiritual self-abandonment inherent in “choosing forgiveness.”

Important side-note, postscript, codicil: I say all of this as someone who forgave a person who I once thought was “unforgivable” and deeply believe that the restorative powers we are all looking for reside not in choosing forgiveness, but in the healing process of self-exploration and self-connection we take to get to forgiveness. For what most deeply lies beneath all of our resentments, hurts, wounds and traumas is essentially shame, therefore the person who is in most need of your forgiveness and compassion is YOU.

All Love

Megyn

Read: How to forgive and move on without an apology
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

 

A few weeks ago, I felt like an adolescent girl held hostage by hormones: on the verge of crying every few minutes, super tender, for no reason at all.

I. Was. Just. Over. It.

Overworked. Overstretched. Over dead-lined. Overtired. Overexposed.

When a male friend of mine, on a one-cup-of-coffee morning, made a sarcastic, “half-joking” uncool, personal jab. . . instead of feeling centered and grounded and then being able to set a nice boundary, I let him have it. On no uncertain terms, sternly: “Not cool. Don’t do it again!”

Then, he blew up on me.

Like attacked me personally. It was not how I expected it to go.

I thought about how the whole thing went down. Was what I did wrong? Uncalled for? No! Was setting a healthy boundary appropriate? Totally! Could I have handled it mo-better? More lovingly? AB-SO-FREAK-ING-LUTELY!

And, because I am committed to owning my shit, I knew I had to apologize. Not just for him, but for me too.

Within the hour, with uncontrollable tears streaming downing my face I said: “I am sorry! I could have handled that better. I could have said, ‘please don’t say that to me again.’ I understand if you felt attacked.”

I didn’t add any “buts,” no justifications, no pointing the finger back at him. It was just about the fact that I could have been more loving.

I believe he must have felt totally seen and understood because he gave me a big ole’ hug and said: “it’s okay.” In fact, he’s been super tender with me ever since.

Were there issues with the way he handled it? Arguably, many.

But it is not my job to retrain adult men how to deal with their stuff. And thankfully, because I am comfortable with who I am, and I know where my realm of power lies, I was able to comfortably just take responsibility for me.

In my experience, we feel love most profoundly when we are participating in Love purely; when we don’t actually need anything from back from people. This is what is meant by being “whole,” or fully resourced from within: we are our own containers of validation, worth, approval, happiness, and love.

It doesn’t mean we are perfect or don’t have any soft spots, or won’t ever be triggered again. But we are clear that the world is not responsible to provide us with our basic sense of Self. We aren’t relying on other people to make us feel better.

From here, from this kind of self-connection and wholeness, we can be present. And presence always gifts us with clarity; with access to the most loving way to proceed forward.

It is way more empowering to see where we could have acted more in alignment with love, overstaying stuck in the obsessive rumination of “why we are justified” or “why so-and-so shouldn’t have talked to me that way.”

Own your shit, because I promise, this always feels more loving.

How to really apologize: own your shit. read more here.

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

Have healthy expectations of reciprocal respect, and love, and generosity, and kindness, and consideration.

This is called boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and oh, just basic human decency.

All love. All Truth.

Meg

sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through ignoring our intution
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

How to trust when things aren’t happening fast enough.

How to trust when things aren’t happening fast enough.

 

In case you didn’t know, I’m ancient years old, (37.5 rockin’ years on this planet ) and have been single for some time now: 2 years, 8 months, and 17 days at the moment this post was written. And to be brutally honest, I’ve spent more time out of relationship than I’ve been in a relationship in this lifetime.

I do desire magnificent partnership. . . I think life just had other plans for me.

I’ve certainly made an effort. I promise I am not hiding in my house writing change-your-life-posts all day. I’ve said yes to some dates I probably should have said no to (I love how hind sight is like, “yup, your intuition is on fire girrl”). I’ve done some internet dating, once, maybe twice, but, NEV. ER. A. GAIN.

I’m open. I make time. But, I never push. 

In fact, I so deeply trust that I’ll KNOW, and that it WILL happen when the time is right for both of us, that I just keep enjoying the hell out of cultivating the deepest, most trusting, relationship I can have with myself, and then watching how that permeates into loving friendships and circumstances in my life NOW.

But, I am human.

There have been a few times over the last two years where I have said to the Universe: I’m ready already. I’ve done the inner work. I just want to feel my love in action with another human being.

And then Life laughs at me again: there is more to let go of, there is more to surrender, there are more depths of taking care of me that are being explored.

So last year I made a deal with the Universe. Did you know you can make those?. I said “my magnificent partner is going to have to freaking fall out of the freaking sky, because this making-it-happen-dating-stuff feels gross!

The ironic thing was, after that deal, I had more dates with men that I more deeply resonated with, and quite literally they were freaking falling out of the freaking sky.

Even when my mind wanted to fit them into a box, I never pushed. Each one got closer to a soulful match. Each one showed me the Universe is way more creative than I am. Each one felt like more cosmic sorting and affirmation: trust yourself, then just show up.

I know it’s hard when you desire something; when you are ready for what you want to happen faster.

It can feel like the voids and spaciousness are just there for your personal torture. And, damn-it, you’ve put in the work.

It almost seems like a test: “Can I surrender? Align? Live in integrity more than I already am?”

Yes. The answer is yes.

Because if it’s not happening, most likely you aren’t ready, or you need to trust that the physical world takes a little bit of time to bring stuff together, because. . . HELLO! matter is dense, and there are more lives than just yours involved here.

Aside from learning more patience and surrender, check in, make sure you aren’t desperate attached to said think happening.

Am I truly ready? Am I truly happy without it? Do I really feel I deserve said thing? Can I let go of it happening the way I want it too?”

The circumstance, or status, or relationship can not be what we derive our wholeness and happiness from – that power can only be found deeply within.

I won’t ever give up my deepest heart’s desires, and you don’t have to either, but there is always more perfection, love, and truth to find in the present moment.

When we fall in love with our lives now we are much more open, receptive and magnetic to the highest YES in our life to occur, as opposed to grasping through wounding, or chasing through desperation, or manipulating without heart.

Trust the beautiful mystery of things unfolding and find more compassion and love for your fears. Keep asking: “How do I surrender more? Show me what I need to see? I’m here with my eyes, ears, and heart wide open.”

Dedicate your life to the delicate balance between allowing, receiving and putting one foot in front of the other, then watch what miracles start to occur. They do start to occur.

Learn to trust yourself and your life.

Witness.

Love.

Show up for the process of your unfolding.

And be hopelessly devoted to the purest desire you have: to love yourself more from within.

You are the one you’ve been waiting for.

 

defensive side-note: When I was in my late twenties (when dating really starts to count) I was in survival mode with a host of medical issues and could have cared less about dating. Then my thirties come around, and half of the people I knew who married in their early twenties were getting divorced, I was grateful that I had waited. I have had three significant relationships in this lifetime, one of them when I was 19 and didn’t know anything about relationship. The next one was abusive and showed me my blind spots and where I needed to heal to prepare for true union. The other one only lasted 8 weeks because in his words “he wasn’t ready to put his big-boy pants on.” I was grateful for his honesty, but more grateful for the opportunity to see how I had changed in romantic relationships.

I don’t make lists of “need to haves” or manifesting boards for my love life. I am absolutely humbled and in awe by the selection of men whose path’s I’ve crossed, and I am excited to see what the next one looks like.

 

All Love. All Truth.

Megyn

in between goals and all the things we are waiting on

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a bad ass, non-new-age, private Facebook group where we talk about real life self-love, self-awareness, and self-trust.

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