Being authentic is the most loving thing you can do, so why are we so bad at it?

Being authentic is the most loving thing you can do, so why are we so bad at it?

LIving in your truth is less about making shit happen and more about letting shit go.

Over the summer I was wrestling around with a profound contraction cycle. I kept hearing an inner voice that said “Stop! Take a break. Stop DOING for a while, and just BE.”

My mind was like, “No! That’s craziness. We need to keep up the pace. You are already like five years behind.”

Thankfully I’m familiar with the inner guidance and intuitive nudges that often don’t make sense and I trust them more than my head, so I surrendered — “Okay, I trust something will come through if I let go for a while.” And it did.

After three months of forgetting about trying TO DO MORE, (I only worked with one-on-one clients, and I binge watched The Black List and The News Room) I was able to ground into more of my own authentic Truth that often gets drowned out by the noise and messages we are bombarded with every day.

I had gotten in my own way, lost in the fray of everything that is “internet marketing”, and trying to be “successful”, and I was feeling resistance to making other people’s “business models” and comfort zones fit into my Truth.

The a-ha moment was: I didn’t want to be popular, I wanted to teach, and tell the truth, and share my insight, and be a relatable, accessible, human being, without all the selfies. Puh-leeze!

I’m not an online personality. I’m a teacher.

I’m not a green smoothie drinking yogi. I’m a meat eating bodybuilder.

I’m not shy and soft. I’m emphatic and effervescent.

I’m not going to be politically correct or tow a spiritual line, I’m going to tell the Whole. Damn. Truth. while deconstructing concepts so they are practical and implementable.

One of the quotes that were circulating through my mind at this time was from Eat Pray Love, by Liz Gilbert: “But at some point you have to make peace with what you were given, and if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thin, dark hair, he would have made me that way, but He didn’t. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein.”

The truth about being authentic and living in integrity, is you have to KNOW who you are, outside of all of the codependent people pleasing and external validation.

And. So. Many. People. Don’t

You have to know, honor, and stand for your core values, beliefs, standards, feelings, and desires like a freaking life raft, or you’ll get swept up in the tide, and wake up on the wrong shore.

You have to FEEL INTO and BE IN the totality of your experience here, including your disowned shame (because as unpopular as shame has become these days, we all have it, or in other words, we all have a part of us that doesn’t love us).

I wish I could tell you that being authentic and living in integrity were as simple as making a “choice” or deciding to, but unfortunately, because most of us are operating through relational wounding, conditioning, and trauma, we typically only have access to the mind or fear based constructs and identities that we’ve created throughout life (unconsciously) to guarantee us safety, security, and love.

As a result, what we often think of as being “authentic” or “fully expressed” or in integrity, isn’t coming from our hearts, especially if we’ve been hypnotized by the “positive thinking,” “I am already love” allure, which has us spiritually bypassing and never sifting through our wounding to reconnect to the purity of our core: our authentic self.

Deep self-connection (which makes authenticity possible) is another level of Knowing. It requires some curiosity, some intention, some vulnerability, some trust, and a whole lot of honesty and compassion with our disowned self-hate, fear, and hurt.

Living in integrity, living in alignment, being authentic from our wholeness, is quite literally an act of self-love; a way of showing up for ourselves, the way we stop the bleeding out, the despair, the feeling unseen, and the depletion that comes from codependent people pleasing, playing small, and trying to squeeze into boxes.

When we don’t show up fully expressed, when we don’t honor our Truth, when we abandon our core values, when we use positive thinking, personal empowerment, and self-help to dismiss or spiritualize away our shame, we are imperceptibly, participating in self-abandonment, which creates voids of self-love that we then go out into the world and co-dependently look for something/someone to take care of our self-love gaps.

So yes, a lack of integrity comes from a lack of self-love, but knowing who we are, and being authentic, and living in integrity, is the most loving and healing thing we can do for ourselves, even with all the unknowns!

All love. All truth.

Megyn

LIving in your truth is less about making shit happen and more about letting shit go.
a-lack-of-integrity-and-authenticity-comes-from-a-lack-of-self-love
Being authentic is the most loving thing you can do, so why are we so bad at it?
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible over the internet while I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Get exclusive love notes and private updates, stock my Instagram, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on relationships, self-love, and self-awareness.

 

Stop choosing relationships from your wounds!

Stop choosing relationships from your wounds!

choose-people-from-wholeness-1

 

When in relationship to life and as a result other human beings, your soul pulls you toward the maximum growth potential for expansion, love, and union — this is why romantic relationships are such catalysts for change and so intoxicating.

But until we’ve cultivated an intimate, integrated, whole relationship from within, we will (mostly unconsciously) create toxic relationships with people who can’t meet us and who don’t truly love us.

We will chase, pine for, and hold on too tightly to people and circumstances that show us where our self-love gaps are; we will be drawn to mirrors of the potential we’ve yet to discover within.

We will get instant gratification and falling-in-love-highs confused with genuine respect, admiration, and compatibility. We will “fall in love” with how people make us feel as opposed to liking someone in their totality, and then consciously discerning “Does this relationship make sense?” “Is this match truly nourishing?” I know, not the romantic fairytale we’ve all been brainwashed by.

In order to choose people from our wholeness as opposed to our wounds; in order to unconditionally love and see people clearly, without the obstruction of projections, fantasies, and expectations, we must deeply meet, see, and know ourselves. This is the foundation of all true intimacy.

Seeing ourselves is much more than working on mindset, or awareness of our “stories”, or “mastering our thoughts”, it’s an intimate channel with our vulnerabilities; it’s an open, honest, dialogue with our deepest, disowned, wounds, shadows, and soft spots, while practicing radical compassion, acceptance, and responsibility.

This means understanding the feelings and beliefs, which come from old conditioning, that hide underneath the thoughts and the emotions. It means not making ourselves “wrong” or “shifting perspective” or calling our experiences “not true” or “not real,” but an ability to sit with the discomfort of our raw, human, messiness while demonstrating a tenderness perhaps we’ve never experienced before.

This is not to say that choosing a relationship from our wounds is “bad” or “wrong,” but we will perpetually be dancing on the edge of communion with our soul. The purity of our spirit: love, peace, ease, trust, and expansion will always be just out of reach.

Whereas choosing from wholeness doesn’t imply there is no effort involved, or that we won’t feel hopeful, or get disappointed, or have our hearts broken, but the need to cling, chase, or grasp onto what has run its course, or was never a match in the first place falls away as we’ve become more deeply rooted from within.

Choose from wholeness, from the heart, from your wise-woman self and watch the miracles of love unfold.

If you find this concept confusing or aren’t sure if you are loving from your wounds; if you find yourself repeating the same toxic relationship dynamics, this is the work I do with women in private coaching and in the Wholehuman Tribe.

All love. All truth
Megyn

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet while I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Get exclusive love notes and for your eyes only updates, stock my Instagram, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness.

 

How to forgive when you don’t want to.

How to forgive when you don’t want to.

When the guru waving his spiritual wand says “Choose to forgive someone in order to set yourself free,” Does the decision to engage in forgiveness miraculously take the emotional juice away? No, not hardly.

When self-help authors espouse language like: “Who is more hurtful, the person who wronged you once, or you for reliving it over and over in your head?” Do you immediately stop thinking about the transgression or logically let it go without any feelings arising ever again? Probably not.

Unfortunately, the commodification of personal “empowerment” has portrayed forgiveness as something you simply choose to “set yourself free” or even worse, something that you “already are.”

But what most self-help and spiritual axioms are talking about when they speak of forgiveness, is actually releasing.

True forgiveness is a process of acceptance, love, and even gratitude for the transgression, either perpetrated by another or by ourselves.

Therefore, forgiveness is not a thought or an idea that we can just implement because we decide to; because we decide we want to “free ourselves,” or because we want to move on.

Forgiveness is a process of healing, whereby we honor, acknowledge, and release all the emotions, feelings, and beliefs brought up in the present moment that has more to do with stored grief material, and wounding from our conditioning (think childhood).

Forgiveness is a “greater understanding” that does not occur instantaneously. It is the end result of a choice to NOT be held hostage by self-judgment, or resentment towards another, and to begin a healing process so we can transcend lessons and grow.

True forgiveness, therefore, requires intention, attention, and time.

Just like the other high-minded spiritual abuses ideals: “you are already love, compassion, peace, and abundance. . . don’t you get it?” these concepts are true on a high-level, but the way in which they are presented is oversimplified, reductive, and does not represent the whole, complicated, messy, multidimensional truth of the human experience.

Humans are relational beings.

Like it or not the conditional, limited, dual-reality of our being here, gifts us with the vehicle to experience the experience of our eternal, love-based Self. Therefore, if we are wounded (we all are) the wounding is on the relational level, and as a result must be addressed and healed within relationship, primarily with ourselves.

The problem with this kind of language, is it dismisses the fact that the person sincerely wanting to create more fulfilling and peaceful lives, has an unconscious map of their world that prevents them from connecting to the compassionate, love-based, “eternal truths” of their nature so they can forgive, understand, and move on easily.

Blindly accessing love or forgiveness, or even simply engaging in a new belief without first reconnecting to and releasing the un-grieved debris or trauma that is re-opened up and festering in the current situation, has a consequence: the spiritual intellectual gets jammed up into his head further, dissociates more, and compartmentalizes away another layer of trauma only to relive the pain over and over again.

The unconscious patterns of recreation show up in our lives when we learn how to take the spiritual “high road,” before we learn how to truly address the core wound or belief.

Without first taking the time to honor, understand and build a bridge back to the fractured, wounded, hurt parts of our humanity, the genuine seeker will at best be muscling his way into feeling what he “thinks” he should believe, and eventually he will be confronted by his own shame, and sense of loneliness from the spiritual self-abandonment inherent in “choosing forgiveness.”

Important side-note, postscript, codicil: I say all of this as someone who forgave a person who I once thought was “unforgivable” and deeply believe that the restorative powers we are all looking for reside not in choosing forgiveness, but in the healing process of self-exploration and self-connection we take to get to forgiveness. For what most deeply lies beneath all of our resentments, hurts, wounds and traumas is essentially shame, therefore the person who is in most need of your forgiveness and compassion is YOU.

All Love

Megyn

Read: How to forgive and move on without an apology

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

 

The Ugly Truth About Self-Love (you’ve probably been thinking about it wrong)

The Ugly Truth About Self-Love (you’ve probably been thinking about it wrong)

I look back at times when I thought I had big beautiful principles down like surrender, and getting out of my own way, and unconditional love, and I am astounded at how I didn’t get it, at how much more deeply I get it now, and how I can probably “get it” more in the future.

Self-love, being authentic, and listening to my heart were conceptual for me, but not a way of being that filtered my life.

I still (unknowingly) looked to outside circumstances and relationships for my validity, happiness, and okay-ness in the world. I still chronically self-abandoned and ignored my inner Knowing. I still couldn’t stand for and navigate life from a deep, abiding place of personal Truth –– then trust that life would organically shape itself around me in supportive and nourishing ways.

And then, as if miraculously, after 17 years of living “awake,” the perfect storm of chaos, depletion, and being sick of myself ushered in downloads of insight, as Wisdom whispered in my ear: “it’s time to be brutally honest with yourself, it’s time to admit things to yourself that you haven’t wanted to look at.”

I realized that I had been consuming personal empowerment at the expense of getting intimate with myself and my most honest citizens: pain, shame, and fear. I realized that I was talking about “my stuff,” but that I was avoiding the discomfort inherent in healing. I realized that I still put the job of approving of me in the world’s hands, with its external cues of safety, security, and lovability.

And here is the really important part: I realized that just because I was living “awake” didn’t mean it was all rainbows and perfect love all the time.

Self-love doesn’t mean we won’t ever have to do anything we don’t enjoy doing again. It isn’t a shortcut to some pain-free grand finale. It isn’t a back-stage pass to a blissed-out fireworks show. It doesn’t mean an existence without any setbacks or heartbreaks or struggle. There is no spiritual formula that will make us immune to being human.

But there is one profound difference now, that had not been there before: if the truth was that nothing was going to “save” me or guarantee outcomes, or wash away my humanness, then what was the greatest gift I could give myself?

I could figure out how to fall in love with my life and with being fully human now. I could figure out how to get wholeheartedly intimate with all my darkness and face my pain without making it life’s job to soothe me or give me permission. And I could figure out a way to show myself endless compassion, even when my mind tried to tell me “things should be different.”

Everything is purposeful on some level. It’s all a journey into a deeper unfolding where we keep being shown more Grace, more love, and more light-filled truths when we act in ways that ultimately serve our own unique “spark of God.” (isn’t that beautiful? It’s from one of my most special friends Morgan Wade)

The big gift or secret we’re all looking for is a promise from ourselves to never abandon ourselves; to listen to our own knowing, to honor our unique Truths all the time, even when it doesn’t make sense.

Wholeness and self-love are not new-age paradigms you pursue to get the “gifts” of life or to outsmart your humanity. THE GIFT you get is union with your most honest self, so you can enjoy your human journey without having to wait for some love, some arrival, some status or some outside situation to let you know you are loved and you are okay.

All Love

Megyn

beware of the self-love self entitlement pitfall. Read more about this spiritual trap
life is not an arrival.
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagrammeanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real-life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

How to *really* apologize. Own your shit.

 

A few weeks ago, I felt like an adolescent girl held hostage by hormones: on the verge of crying every few minutes, super tender, for no reason at all.

I. Was. Just. Over. It.

Overworked. Overstretched. Over dead-lined. Overtired. Overexposed.

When a male friend of mine, on a one-cup-of-coffee morning, made a sarcastic, “half-joking” uncool, personal jab. . . instead of feeling centered and grounded and then being able to set a nice boundary, I let him have it. On no uncertain terms, sternly: “Not cool. Don’t do it again!”

Then, he blew up on me.

Like attacked me personally. It was not how I expected it to go.

I thought about how the whole thing went down. Was what I did wrong? Uncalled for? No! Was setting a healthy boundary appropriate? Totally! Could I have handled it mo-better? More lovingly? AB-SO-FREAK-ING-LUTELY!

And, because I am committed to owning my shit, I knew I had to apologize. Not just for him, but for me too.

Within the hour, with uncontrollable tears streaming downing my face I said: “I am sorry! I could have handled that better. I could have said, ‘please don’t say that to me again.’ I understand if you felt attacked.”

I didn’t add any “buts,” no justifications, no pointing the finger back at him. It was just about the fact that I could have been more loving.

I believe he must have felt totally seen and understood because he gave me a big ole’ hug and said: “it’s okay.” In fact, he’s been super tender with me ever since.

Were there issues with the way he handled it? Arguably, many.

But it is not my job to retrain adult men how to deal with their stuff. And thankfully, because I am comfortable with who I am, and I know where my realm of power lies, I was able to comfortably just take responsibility for me.

In my experience, we feel love most profoundly when we are participating in Love purely; when we don’t actually need anything from back from people. This is what is meant by being “whole,” or fully resourced from within: we are our own containers of validation, worth, approval, happiness, and love.

It doesn’t mean we are perfect or don’t have any soft spots, or won’t ever be triggered again. But we are clear that the world is not responsible to provide us with our basic sense of Self. We aren’t relying on other people to make us feel better.

From here, from this kind of self-connection and wholeness, we can be present, and presence always gifts us with clarity and with access to the most loving way to proceed forward.

It is way more empowering to see where we could have acted more in alignment with love as opposed to being stuck in the obsessive rumination of “why we are justified” or “why so-and-so shouldn’t have talked to me that way.”

Own your shit, because I promise, this always feels more loving.

How to really apologize: own your shit. read more here.

 

Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you, as is humanly possible over the internet while I break down overly simplistic, reductive, self-help and spiritual teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my Instagram meanderings, and get access to the Wholehuman™ tribe, a soulful support tribe for real life healing, relationships, and self-love –– with a side of you’re a bad ass, we won’t let you forget it, and maybe some virtual booty dancing.

 

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For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

For the love of all things spiritual and self aware, please, have expectations.

The original quote I saw was: “Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations.”

Sounds enlightened? New-agey-consciously-correct? Right?

But I wholeheartedly disagree with this jargon language. And it’s at the root of most of the confusion within unhealthy relationship dynamics.

All kinds of codependent and abusive relationship dynamics among “spiritual” or “aware” people are perpetuated because this language gets passed around in spiritual memes like it’s above board, and like it makes sense.

And it doesn’t. So why are we pretending it does?

I understand first hand why there is so much misunderstanding. In a past life, I was in a toxic relationship with a “spiritual” man who couldn’t be faithful. When I told him it was a problem for me he said, “your problem is you have expectations. You want things on your timeline”

Yup! No lie!

I get it. EXTREME example. But there is a tendency in this space of “self-help” and “empowerment” for the spiritual intellectual to use concepts like positive thinking, unconditional love, non-resistance, and “no expectations” in order to feel like they are “towing a spiritual line” or to dismiss what is seriously OFF in their relationship dynamics, or to bypass dealing with the feelings of disappointment, or to avoid accountability for the energy they bring into their spaces.

Until we are rooted in our own worth and knowing; until we really trust our Truth and our standards, this kind of language, for the new seeker or someone looking for answers to their relationship difficulties, is a sure fire way to create massive amounts of confusion.

Tell me how long your relationships would last if your partner consistently avoided telling the truth? Wasn’t respectful? Had a hard time with being considerate? Didn’t make time for you? Called their exes and flirted with other people? Told you, your problem is: “you don’t feel loved because it’s your problem.” Seriously, I’ve heard this one gets used a lot.

I am making a point, that sometimes we use spiritual concepts to avoid being accountable and responsible; to avoid dealing with the relational qualities of being in healthy intimacy.

We have to learn how to be healthy, whole, resourced humans, before we learn how to implement high level woo-woo.

Have healthy expectations of reciprocal respect, and love, and generosity, and kindness, and consideration.

This is called boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and self-worth, and oh, just basic human decency.

All love. All Truth.

Meg

sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through ignoring our intution
Megyn Blanchard

Megyn Blanchard

Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach

My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.

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