A story about healing, dating, and knowing they’re not “the one.” (Love without attachment)
Once upon a time…I found myself dating a wonderful human being.
After being in a self-imposed, much needed, healing dating desert, it would have been easy to make this new, deep, soulful connection fit into “the one” box.
But I knew that this would taint the relationship with projections into the future; with contortions and tight-rope walking to make it fit into my limited thinking of what was possible, and in doing so I’d miss out on the beauty of what was unfolding now.
I also knew that I’d have to stay fully present in order to not chase fairy tales and to trust myself as we progressed through whatever was meant to come.
I wanted to live in my openness and authenticity in harmony with another human being, growing and becoming better than I was before — and yet I wanted to remain unattached.
I knew that would require keeping my controlling ego and predictive mind out of the equation.
I’m not saying it’s easy…
We’re human. We have desires. We have goals. We want to receive, achieve, and accomplish certain things.
We want to know: “What does this mean? What will this look like? Where does this fit?”
So we set out: “I’m going to get it. I want it. This. Is. It.”
Egos like security, so when we see something that looks like this “is it” we get caught up in “this is it” hysteria. We will try to fit things into the limitations of our own minds. We will try to force square pegs into round holes.
And the truth of life is that as soon as we think we know “this is going to be it,” we chase, grasp, ignore, get lazy, manipulate, and project.
It’s why I have learned to loathe rigid, straight lines, dogma, boxes, and predictable outcomes.
This is not fear, laziness, or passivity – rather it’s dynamic receptivity and listening.
Attachment is static, rigid, and unyielding.
Don’t be fooled — spiritual practice, self-help, and consciousness teachings can still be illusions we cling to for more linear achieving and grasping.
We attend another seminar, read another book, hook into another thought leader all just selling us a pretty box: our path to enlightenment, the man or woman of our dreams, or a get-rich-and-die-happy scheme.
I know, for 17 years I did it wrong. I had a master’s in my shit and a Ph.D. in positive thinking.
All it did was create the illusion that I was the one who knew best; that I had control of the steering wheel; that if I raised my vibration and changed my thoughts then, BAM! everything is manifested rainbows and unicorn essence.
Instead I was drowning in more constricted, one-dimensional thinking. I was shut off from myself and shut off from the infinite possibilities of divine timing, flow, and heart-centered connection that I yearned for, which ironically comes from feeling your way through life, not thinking.
It took a few hard lessons, but I learned that the only thing I knew for-sure-for-sure was that I didn’t know anything with any certainty.
I became infinitely more powerful, more open, and more magnetic. I learned to love these four words: “you just never know.”
With this kind of unattached living, I truly understood surrender and being present: living in the moment instead of lining up in front of the universe with my shopping list saying, “look I’ve done my part now bring me what I want.”
I trusted there was something larger than me taking care of me.
If you want to be a co-captain, a vehicle, a conduit for infinite abundance and good, all you have to do is sign up and say “show me and use me for good.”
It won’t always be easy. Making the journey from your head to your heart will never be pain free. You will have to take inventory of your stuff, and see all the responsibilities in your life. You will have to let go, and grieve, and let go again.
It won’t always come in the form you expect, but I promise life will send you the people and the lessons you need to prepare you.
You are infinitely more powerful and receptive when you take your hands off the throat of life; when you and stop controlling how it’s all going to end.
You are a supernova when you love and cherish yourself from the inside out, including your feelings and imperfect parts.
What can you do, what do you know?
Do the one thing you can do, which is put one foot in front of the other, in integrity what you’re up to in the world, in alignment with your worth, your values, your inner nudges, and with your unique contraction and expansion cycles.
Chase integrity, authentic heartfelt action, nourishment, and Do. No. Harm. Ever!
This is what’s in service to the highest good of all involved. This is how the soul speaks. This is how we follow the divine trail leading you down the most expansive, love filled path.
Does this mean your life path will look a little crooked? Yes.
Will you be racing to the finish line? No.
Will it look like other people have it together and you don’t? Sometimes, yes.
Will some people get It sooner? Perhaps. But look closer, what are they really getting?
I promise you life and relationships are a hell of a lot more interesting, nourishing, and loving when we realize we aren’t the only ones calling the shots. When we willingly hop into the passenger seat knowing there’s something greater than our limited thinking can conceive.
And as you live this way; as you ascend the fear based needs to control and predict and categorize, the mysteries of divine order become ever more apparent and beautiful, because you can see how being of service to this Loving Force, and not at odds with it, invites in magnificence, congruence, and creation on a whole other level.
And suddenly the universe is your playground and you are just playing, and everyone’s name sounds like Grace.
Important addendum, postscript, codicil: This relationship ended 8 weeks after it began. It was the first healthy, adult, respectful breakup I’d ever had. Because I was able to stay present, and not force my will or desires onto someone else, I was able to see we handled relationship different in a few key areas – so I gracefully let him go. Not everyone is supposed to stay forever. Here is part two on how to love without attachment.
Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach
My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness. I believe in original goodness, the simplicity and clarity of truth, the liberation of personal respsonsibility, and the endless healing of love. I can’t wait to see you.