How to stop comparing your life to others and focus on you
Whether it is because we compare our lives to the “seemingly perfect” lives of those we admire, or because of some message that has been played out over and over in in our conditioning, it’s easy to start feeling despair, or emptiness and think it’s because of some external circumstance we don’t have yet.
We get caught up in focusing on the outer situations and relationships that are missing, at the expense of truly connecting with ourselves.
It should be the other way around. We need to learn what it means to be intimate with our deepest Self; with our feelings, with our needs, with our natural rhythms, and let that internal connection build bonds and opportunities that resonate with our heart and soul.
Looking back, I can see how whenever I experienced life as falling short, or felt a pervasive unhappiness, or felt unfulfilled and depleted, I was looking to someone or something for nourishment, validation, and love.
Alternatively, when I realized I needed to strengthen the connection I had with myself, and be the “soul” provider of all feelings I was looking for in life, like being cherished, nourished, adored, and seen, the other relationships I had, including those with my career and purpose, worked themselves out.
The problem with looking for happiness and validation from someone or something outside of ourselves is we are always giving an external person or circumstance power over our emotions and experiences in life.
When you look for your sense of self, wholeness, happiness, valididity and worth from external circumstances you will eventually be disappointed or let down or bored and find yourself “searching” for that secret “something” that is missing again. This is the source of all depletion, chaos, turmoil, and toxic relationships in our life.
Why? Because we are seeking that which we should be cultivating from within, from an outside source and from positive feed-back loops. On a deeper level, we are living in a frequency of lack and neediness.
The events and circumstances of our lives, if they create pain and dis-ease, are a big clue to re-evaluate where we are behaving codependently; they are mirrors of what needs to be seen from within. Very simply, they are opportunities to cultivate more alignment with our Truth, with our hearts, and with our disowned shame, so we can cultivate a profoundly loving and whole relationship from within.
Allowing external relationships and situations to be the source of our happiness, peace, and sense of Self, is the fastest route to despair, unhealthy people pleasing and self-doubt. It is also at the heart of codependency.
It’s not that we shouldn’t expect a healthy level of loving, mindful, reciprocity in relationships, or feel fired up by what we are putting out into the world — but we are better off discovering from within what has us chasing outside circumstances and people as the source of what we are wanting to feel in our lives.
We need to build a strong primary relationship with ourselves as women, which has less to do with your mind, and more to do with showing up for all parts of your experience.
When I healed the trauma, imprinting, and beliefs running in the background that kept me chasing love; that said I wasn’t good enough, and that had me deeply fearful of abandonment, I felt more nurtured and cherished by myself, and as a result I showed up in my life differently.
I had to become the source of all the respect, love, compassion, and validation I needed. I was the soul provider of my self esteem and power. I became my beloved.
Do I still desire partnership? Absolutely! But now because I feel so connected and whole from within, I can enter into any partnership, intimate or otherwise, without chasing or grasping; with a profound sense of my needs and value, and without fear that “I need to make this one work out.”
We have to be forever diligent, always asking, “Am I looking to this career, friend, recognition, material item, or relationship to save me? Do I look for mirrors of my validity and self-worth in the world?”
No one and no thing outside of ourselves can give us all the feelings of support and love we need.
The way to create peace, happiness, meaning, and fulfillment in our lives is to build an intimate and whole connection with ourselves.
We must be curious, honor our needs and rhythms, and find radical self-acceptance for where we are now.
We must build trusting and honest connections with our hearts. We must learn to nurture and show up for ourselves in nourishing ways, then all the other connections we have will reflect this sacred love back to us.
With a deep sense of self-worth, self-love, and healthy self-respect, we will experience more of that in our relationships and outer circumstances.
Make the sacred connection with Self, the source of your power and then you are truly empowered.
Light and Love
Truth teller, spiritual myth buster, self-love coach
My commitment is to be as human with you as is humanly possible, over the internet as I breakdown overly simplistic, reductive, self-help, and empowerment teachings. Join me for monthly updates, stock my social meanderings, and come be a part of the most bad ass, non-new-agey, real-life, private Facebook group as I give weekly sermons on realtionships, self-love, and self-awareness.
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