How to have healthy standards in love relationships
Many of us have gotten expectations and standards confused!
We hear expectations bad, unconditional love good –– then get into weird, contorted relationships with people who can’t really meet us with the kind of healthy, reciprocal, dignity, respect and love we deserve.
It is true, expecting someone to change or suddenly be different is insanity. They are who they are.
People show you who they are pretty quickly, and if you don’t like it, expecting different behavior is crazy and actually not nice.
But you can set boundaries, which is different from trying to change someone’s behavior.
You can then leave, walk away, or politely say “see you on the other side” if boundaries and standards aren’t being met.
Healthy standards are a must – so sit down and figure them out in relationships and in life.
Have healthy standards without feeling bad about them: Kindness. Respect. Consideration. Compassion. Honesty. Integrity. What do these mean to you?
How we treat ourselves is usually how others will treat us: If you don’t think, believe or act like you are valuable enough for respect, chances are others will disrespect you.
If you take your body and heart for granted, chances are your partner will too.
If you have been unclear on your standards, ask if you are fearful that someone won’t want to meet your standards? Or will leave? Or will get mad? Clear sign they should GO.
When we know what we deeply believe, desire and deserve, this usually helps filter out the people who aren’t aligned with us from the beginning; our internal warnings will fire and we can eject, pass go or retreat.
But if you are already in friendship or have found yourself in a relationship where you never stood for your boundaries or ignored and excused away disrespectful behavior and red flags – you have one opportunity to speak up about them GENTLY.
State what you deserve. Express clearly what you believe in. Be honest about what you will bring to the table. Then, if said person isn’t aligned with your truth or fails to meet you repeatedly, they won’t ever. It’s not in their nature. They can’t. They just don’t know how.
Life really wants you to cultivate loving relationships built on healthy respect and standards.
Look around. See what people are blocking the door, taking up space or sucking away your precious energy. This isn’t self righteousness or ball busting –– this is full participation and ownership in our realm of power, which requires presence and a full showing for ourselves and life without being sucked into other people’s soul lessons.
Just so you know, I say this as a recovering self abandonment junkie. I know how difficult it is to trust your self and your standards to bring nourishing relationships. But I promise it does.