How to forgive and move on without an apology – because some people are a**holes
I always wanted to believe that people were as honest, as sincere, and as apologetic as me. And that was the problem – I thought if I owned my stuff then you should own your stuff too. . . and apologize.
So I would allow people to stay in my life past the expiration date of the relationship, past the mutual growth opportunities, and play the role of surprised-victimized-over-giver-door-mat.
Then I got it: Don’t play with, engage, or argue with assholes, people committed to their illusions, or bad-behavior-participators. Ever!
Why? Because assholes never know they are assholes.
So what makes us think that we can make them realize they are behaving badly? Or acting unconsciously? Or being disrespectful? Or behaving with zero awareness of their impact on other people? Or justifying seriously lame, manipulative tactics to get back into our little corner of the world?
Before I understood boundaries, I thought it was my job to get someone to behave in a kind, respectful manner towards me.
I thought I should point out how they were manipulating, or how unloving and uncaring their behavior was – and then I would get an apology.
It only kept me entangled with said asshole. It actually gave the asshole more fuel for their fire because they had an in: they could keep coming back into my life, acting like an unconscious jerk over and over again because the door was always open. When in actuality, I turned into the asshole that had to make sure they knew they were wrong and or get them to rectify their behavior.
This is probably the biggest lesson I’ve ever learned:
In fact, said asshole, if he wasn’t an asshole, would know his behavior was borderline inhumane, disrespectful, manipulative or unkind and would quickly make amends without you nudging them, and they certainly wouldn’t continue to participate in said behavior.
Remaining entangled in depleting relationships or with people committed to their insanity. . . is insanity.
Trying to get someone to see or admit that what they did was wrong then be sorry for it (so we can feel better) is giving away our power.
Think about it like this: would you behave that unkindly? Unconsciously? Probably not.
Because you aren’t an asshole.
My inquiry into my realm of power was a rather stark realization that I was powerless over other people and that the best thing I could do was accept that said asshole was committed to their behavior and that I was suffocating my spirit and abusing my heart by waiting for them to wake up and NOT want to be an asshole.
When I accepted that I can’t change people, that this was actually codependent behavior, I was honestly relieved.
I could totally release all focus on them and look at my healing responsibility in the situation. I could settle into what I really believed to be good, kind, respectful behavior and then live in integrity with that in my own life, without trying to get everyone else to believe or behave at with the same values and standards.
Translation: I own up to my side of the street and where my power starts and stops, then discern who fits into my life without making it about them, but rather making it about my commitment to myself and my heart.
This is actually when you are most powerful: we heal codependent behavior when we stop relying on other people to make us feel better.
The warning is this, even when you take full responsibility for your side of the street, for said asshole being in your life and then discern it’s not working anymore without blaming them and then politely explain what is in integrity for you and that it just doesn’t fit any kind of relationship or entanglement with them, said asshole will probably never hear you.
But at least now you can move on without making it about someone else; just stick to your knowing about what is good and right in your life.
Share this with someone who could use some love from you.
All Love, All Truth,
Truth teller, Spiritual myth buster, Inner Relationship coach
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