How to be brave in your life and relationships
In front of 150 people, at one of those marathon, 40 hour, personal empowerment, “none-of-this-is-real seminars”, I admitted to being entangled in a toxic, three-way relationship, that had been going on for two years.
After the lead facilitator heard my “dilemma” he said, “Maybe your issue is that you are playing small in your life; you need to give away your power.”
Ummm, thank you, yes that makes sense! And I have no clue what you mean?
I understood that I was in a small relationship, totally undeserving of my worth, with a man who couldn’t figure out what he wanted.
I understood that I was hiding in my life, because I wanted to be like everybody else (I don’t blend in, I am a 5’8″ muscled up redhead), but I had no clue what my power was? And if I knew what this “power” thing was, how the heck do I “give my power away.”
Massive amounts of healing later, (not so much in time as in intention and attention) I figured it out. . .
I was powerless because I was looking in all the wrong places for my validity, worth, and love in the world.
I was playing small, because I thought self abandonment was unconditional love.
I was confused because I thought “love” equaled proving myself to someone to get them to love me “right”, even if it caused pain.
A hundred a-ha moments later, I saw that I didn’t believe I was inherently worthy, amazing, and lovable on a feeling level. I was steeped in personal empowerment and pop-psychology concepts like, “We are already love”, “I am worthy, lovable, and perfectly imperfect”, but had no idea how to live my life from that wholeness.
I had the all the right education and tools, but it wasn’t integrated; I couldn’t live it, feel it, breathe it. As a result, I was unconsciously creating circumstances which mirrored back to me my self-love gaps.
You can only feel, give, and receive love to the extent that you’ve been able to cultivate an intimate relationship with yourself.
The same holds true for power – you can only empower others if you are empowered yourself.
No one is empowered if they are trying to be someone they aren’t naturally. No one is in their power if they see themselves as victims to life’s circumstances and other people’s behavior.
When we see how we are the co-creator of our lives; how we make choices that allow certain situations; how our internal beliefs keep certain patterns and triggers showing up; how our emotional bodies are energetic matches for the exact soul lessons we need — then we have access to power.
We can then choose to make a course correct, shift, or higher level choice next time.
Personal power comes from a place of being deeply rooted in our wholeness: we FEEL (not merely think about) our worth, our value, our love, our happiness, our okayness in the world.
It comes from a place of honoring our impulses to be seen, heard, and loved with reciprocal kindness and respect.
It comes from allowing and showing up for all parts of Self, including our messy humanity.
It comes from believing we are enough now, but still having a willingness to grow into a more loving version of ourselves.
If you are afraid of taking up space or doubt your standards or are ashamed of your deepest desires — you are playing small and not in your power.
When you don’t honor your sacred heart, your body, your mind, you are playing small and not in your power.
When you hold on to your natural gifts for fear that the world won’t like them, you are playing small and not in your power.
When we play small, hide, and contort, we cut ourselves off from feeling our inherent value.
When I realized that underneath my playing small was a lack of self love and as a result, you guessed it… personal power, I understood why I couldn’t give it away.
When we aren’t giving from a deep deep trust in our Truth, we are actually grasping, manipulating, and chasing – which is vampirism, neediness, and co-dependence.
This sends a confusing message to the universe — we want to get something from outside people, relationships, and circumstances to feel safe, loved, and worthy, when actually it’s our job to seek and find all the barriers from within that prevent us from accessing it.
Because of our internal emotional and energetic state of lack, or not enoughness, we will not only attract small and dis-empowering circumstances, but will attract the same lessons over and over again. Not as punishment, but as an opportunity and higher directive: can we choose to connect to the purity of love within ourselves.
So stand up for your deepest hearts desires. Wave your own unique freak flag. Cherish your uniqueness. Own your natural gifts. Take radical responsibility for knowing and loving yourself deeply.
Light and Love