My mission is to bridge the gap that exists between high-level-woo-woo-spiritulity, self-love and your everyday life. Stick around, kick up your heels, read for a while. I am sure we'll be fast friends.

How to accept a relationship is over and move on.

Jul 23, 2014 | Boundaries, Letting Go, Relationship

I’ve always prided myself on being a strong, independent, pull-yourself-up-by-your-boots, kind of girl. Then in my early thirties, desperate, broken down, tired of being emotionally depleted, I swallowed my pride and scheduled an appointment with a therapist.

I’d been in an abusive relationship for two years, of whose gravitational force was like that of a black hole. I hated myself for staying in it just as much as I hated the way I felt abandoned, unlovable, and broken every I left it.

I was stronger than this. . . I thought.

My therapist looked at me and said, “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”

“What? That’s what you went to school for? That’s what I paid you for?” 

Then suddenly, if not miraculously, relief set in. Judgement released her rigid grips on me and I finally opened up to someone, to tell the whole truth. I allowed myself to explore all the freaking messiness and hurt I had participated in without feeling shame, and this is how I made room for compassion to find her way home, so she could start building new connections.

Personal accountability and compassion were the first steps into my journey of self-love.

That fateful moment in a doctor’s office so many years ago opened up the doorway for a new way of seeing and relating to myself and my feelings. It took me six more months to completely leave that relationship, but when I did, I never looked back; I was never the same person who created that mess again.

What that moment did was provide a safe space for me to heal, because it gave me access to the whole Truth without judgement. I could work on never creating that kind of relationship again, through seeing all my responsibility and the lessons in that situation. . . even if he had been a monster.

The most profound awareness that came through, when I could see my contribution clearly without blame or shame, was that I totally abandoned myself, my intuition and my worth. I knew I was out of alignment because I was drained, worn out, confused, and tired most of the time. I was swimming in “am I crazy?” and my heart always hurt.

“You are exactly where you are supposed to be” is the permission slip we all need to be liberated from the ego’s fearful projections into the future and the painful inertia of “but what if,” so that we can start to ground into the Truth of this moment NOW. Simply put, it means being radically present. I know easier said than done!

For a long time, I worked on being present by trying to outsmart my ego through mind set training.

I would “observe” the fearful thought patterns and call them “stories” or “limiting beliefs.” Logically, I could see they weren’t serving me, but I never could anchor into a FEELING place of internal peace, self-trust, and the highest Knowing of “this moment now” without constantly fighting the repetitive loops of obsessive thinking.

I now know this is backwards. In order to live in the “deep down” Knowing of peace, surrender, and trust, we have to release all the undigested material and debris in the way caused by our wounding and imprinting, (the stuff that prevents of us from having an experiential connection with all the high-minded ideals espoused in the “self-help” paradigms).

The problem is you can’t connect to this deeply, loving place through your intellectual intelligence or your head. You actually have to have a loving relationship with your humanity, which isn’t always pretty. You have to sift through a lot of repressed feelings and beliefs which have kept you disconnected from your heart, from your soul, and from accessing the whole Truth.

We heal and create a sacred space for our love to be connected to, when we trust ourselves to SHOW up for Self; when we honor and process through all the core beliefs and fears with compassion and reverence.

It doesn’t mean we are broken or need to be fixed, we just have to reconnect with our Wholehuman™ self, which means sifting through a ton of un-grieved material from years of self-abandonment and conditioning. We have to feel through the messy, the scared, the hurt, and the unheard in order to experience true self-love, which most of us have been outsourcing to other people or circumstances as their responsibility.

So if you are exactly where you are supposed to be now, if your life was only real here in this moment and not out there somewhere, if tomorrow was taken away from you — what would you acknowledge? Do differently? Set fire to? Release? Love more?

If your life was stripped down to nothing but this moment, what would your heart say to you?

Sometimes, “I don’t know if I Love myself” is all we need to know

Light and Love


beware of the self-love self entitlement pitfall. Read more about this spiritual trap
people heal and change
everyone has their own definition of love. How to forgive and move on without an apology.
Love the parts of you that hate you

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This