25 essential truths you need to thrive in your life
As my birthday month passes and I find myself closer to 40 than I am not, (oh-mah-gosh that sounds weird) it’s hard not to think about what the next half of my life will look like. My mid thirties have been fast and furious as age seems to compress time, lessons and truths, in the same way that my twenties seemed to mercifully meander by.
I stand on a strange precipice between absolute trust that pain will inevitably arise over and over again, as I am committed to being fully human: living with my heart and arms wide open, welcoming all the gifts of this crazy life.
Yet, at the same time, knowing that the truth of Life is this: she doesn’t guarantee easy but, she does say the best is yet to come; that each year gets infinitely better as we peel back more and more layers that guide us deeper into our own hearts, and bring us closer to our truth.
This deep, trust and knowing didn’t come easy. There was a lot of doing it wrong before I FELT like I got it right. I wasn’t following a typical path, and I often felt isolated and yearned for people who were asking the same big life questions.
We aren’t all that different, you and I. We are humans waking up, navigating this overwhelming, over-glamorized, over-stimulated, instant-gratification, disconnected culture of people that crave to be connected to something powerfully honest, meaningful and real in our lives.
In the past few years my life and connections have opened up and come alive in ways I could never have imagined and it’s because I finally understood how to let go of just as much as I learned how to love, trust and listen to myself.
If you can implement these essential principles life should feel like a beautiful, mysterious, terrain that celebrates the delicate balance between being fully grounded in our humanness and yet ever more present to our soul’s eternal connection.
Let your heart be the architect and the mind be the builder. Don’t think your way through life. Feel your way through life. The mind is woefully inept at conceiving all possibilities. It really can only direct you from a future based need of security or past-based fear matrix. Your feelings are an amazing compass. They direct you from an innate knowing into a pathway of healing, intuition and self discovery.
Let go of needing to know. Sometimes we’re not supposed to know everything. The gifts of Life/Spirit sometimes take a while to reveal themselves. Try not to fit people or situations into your “ideas” about what they “should” be. You are better off loving and living and playing through the present moment. This is where the gifts happen – through experience, outside of thought.
Learn to really like yourself. Like, really enjoy your own company. The relationship you have with yourself is the highest priority you have. Cultivate enjoyment in being alone, in silence and in being single. Go to dinner, movies, and on vacations alone. Have passions and hobbies just for you. Don’t look to anyone to make you feel valued, important or sexy. You’ll always be starving, in need, and disappointed if you are looking to relationships, identities, or careers to provide you with your worth. When you truly enjoy and love yourself – everything else is just a gift.
You can’t rescue, fix or heal anyone. In fact, if you are drawn to human projects, you actually should turn the mirror around on yourself. We often focus on “fixing” others to avoid looking at our own self-love gaps. Getting caught up in other people’s messiness at the expense of our own needs and self worth is the surest way to show the Universe how little you think of yourself. The most loving thing you can do for another is take care of yourself first. But…
Know your standards. Know who you are. “If we don’t stand for anything, we will fall for everything” ~Katie Perry. It’s healthy to have standards of respect, trust and dignity in relationships. If someone has a hard time understanding or honoring these standards, let them go. Trust that loving yourself will take care of replacing that relationship with something better. Not knowing what you stand for is the quickest way to become a doormat and become victim to your own lack of boundaries.
You have no power over other people. Focus on your own little hula-hoop of energy. We don’t have control over other people’s reactions, feelings or their truth. You can try your best to show up authentically and lovingly, yet there are still going to be some people who won’t be able to see you, hear you and meet you where you are at. And know…
It’s not about you. Don’t take somebody’s bad behavior personally. As much as it hurts – hurt people, hurt people. Some people we meet will understand relationship differently. They have survival mechanisms built on fear and unconscious behavior, but you always have the right to say “this is not healthy; this is not what I want to continue creating.” Leave it at that. No explanation necessary!
Do no harm. Ever. To yourself or another. Always ask yourself, “is this actually selfish rationale that is dishonoring my highest yes?” “Am I ignoring consequences to get instant gratification?” “Will my choices harm someone else?” Every choice we make has ripple effects. There are thousands of people who will be directly and indirectly touched by both your kindness and lack of awareness. Be kind when in doubt.
You aren’t an island. There will come a time when you will feel lost. But, I guarantee there is someone you know who has been through what you are going through. Don’t live in shame or isolation. Tell at least one person the whole truth. Give your darkest moments room to breathe. Just make sure it’s in a safe space with no judgement.
Happiness is not a choice. Yes I said it. It’s a consequence of feeling empowered; of feeling like we have choices. Don’t ever side step your pain or accept situations that are painful in the name of being “conscious.” Take time to feel it, explore it and release it without judgement. Try to find the core feeling, the one without thoughts attached. Happiness is more likely to flow through you when you aren’t fighting for it. It’s a natural emotion that comes when we feel resourced and whole from within, which means allowing what arises in us to be seen.
There is more than one way to do this thing called life. Your path does not have to look like everybody else’s path to be valuable. Get married. Don’t get married. Have children. Don’t have children. Travel, move, get a job, start a company, stay put. There are a million different choices to make. Just make them your own.
Never assume that other people have it all together. The wisest people I know, admit every day they are still trying to figure this sh** out. Life is not an arrival. It’s an ever deepening unfolding and journey, whereby we keep being shown more grace, love and knowing if we choose to act in ways that serve our hearts and ultimately love.
The hardest person to forgive is usually yourself. Resentments show up for a reason. That person or problem you are having a hard time letting go of, is probably an invitation to retrace your steps and find out where you self-abandoned, ignored your intuition, or didn’t stand for your own worth. When you can forgive yourself, you have access to your power and can make new choices in the future.
You will always have an inner five year and old. He/She needs compassion and loving awareness, not to be told she’s “not real” or rationalized away through asking “is this true?” All aspects of who we are “are real” – they just aren’t always right. When we see our tender and shadow self with compassion and reverence, she has less control and she’s less likely to unconsciously react, chase and manipulate. Most often she’s just waiting for YOU to finally show up for YOU.
Acceptance is different than tolerance. Acceptance of what is, is clearly seeing a situation honestly. It doesn’t mean you have to put up with it or tolerate it. You can discern, “more of the same? or “do I wish to create something different?” You often can’t change what is going on around you, but you can make more empowered choices. And remember, choosing to not make a choice is still a choice.
Learn how to grieve. Grief is miraculously cleansing. It’s like a detox for the soul. I had no idea how to do this for a long time. I thought negative emotions would bring more negativity into my life, so I bypassed a lot of healing opportunities. This created stuck, stored, emotions that festered. Our soul’s will keep recreating opportunities in our lives until we FINALLY address the underlying emotional energies. Acknowledge grief. She just wants your attention, and sooner or later she will get it.
Learn what’s yours and what isn’t yours. If you are an empathetic bad-ass, creative or highly sensitive, its easy to be a sponge and take on the world’s hurts and pains as if they are our own. But it is essential, if we want to do good in the world, to know where our boundaries start and stop; to Know what we have power over; to Know what we are responsible for and to Know that our worth is not tied into healing and fixing everyone we meet.
Be equally as grateful for what you don’t have, as what you do have. Sometimes what isn’t in our life is just as important as what is in our life. The voids in our life are preparing us; asking us to go deeper; showing us how far we’ve come. Spaciousness is always an opportunity for massive doses of gratitude. Ask for guidance if you are unsure: “Please show me what I most need to see now. I am grateful. I am open.” The in-between is actually your cosmic usher asking you to take a breath and enjoy the ride.
Learn to work with the contractions and expansions in your life. We get addicted to doing, creating, achieving and closing deals. Expansion feels good. It’s our soul expanding showing us the higher potentiality in our lives. But if we don’t learn how to settle into the lower energy of stillness, renewal and retreat equally as much, we will miss the opportunities for healing and deeper layers of truth to be shown to us. Tell the taskmaster in you to “shut up and sit down we’re taking a breather!”
Know your core values. A lot of internal angst and shame comes from thinking we should be doing something the way someone else is doing it. Life is so much more enjoyable and easy when the goals we make are in alignment with our own heart and soul. I will never be a domestic goddess or a world traveler so I don’t put pressure on myself to have house beautiful or fill up my passport with exotic stamps from foreign countries. But I do love learning new things, writing and taking care of my health so I schedule these things in and budget for them without guilt.
Say what your scared to say. “I really want this job.” “I want to explore what’s possible with you.” “I don’t feel this is aligned with my heart and soul.” “I really love you.” Whatever it is that feels vulnerable, silly or “too much authenticity” for someone, is usually the very thing you need to say or admit to set you free. Speaking from our deepest truths opens up the exact dialogue to move forward. It’s better to be honest and clear and know, than to live in the inertia and smallness of not being fully expressed.
When in doubt, just ask! Everyone I know understands, I don’t make assumptions. If I want something, I ask. If I feel something, I WILL lovingly tell you. The guarantee on my end is I am always compassionate. I see a lot of people make the mistake of jumping to conclusions or trying to decipher what someone means. Being vague and playing games is for people who don’t know who they are and manipulators. You deserve to know the truth. And, if someone gets weird or uncomfortable, then they aren’t able to have the same kind of honest conversations as you are.
See, hear and talk to everyone as if they are powerful and beautiful. Everyone we meet will be in different stages of their own evolution. If we can hear them as their most powerful, creative selves who just want love and connection the same way we do, we literally become more magnetic, raise our frequency and feel more of our own Love through that demonstration. When we see people as just their limitations, it actually keeps both us and them small because there is a separation that doesn’t allow for the transfer of love.
Your body is sacred. For too long I didn’t value that my heart, body and sexuality were connected. I don’t apologize for this any more. I don’t need to use my body as an object to get approval, attention or love. Don’t get me wrong, I love my feminine power and my human desires. This energy, put to good, conscious, use is powerfully creative, loving and expansive. But, unconsciously used as the source of our worth and value, it can be destructive to ourselves and others. Learn to discern who is ready and deserving of your divine worth.
Become your own Beloved. Fairy-tale romances are fun. But they’ve conditioned us to believe that there is a storybook prince or princess out there who will ease all our pain, complete us and make life wonderful.
When we discover how to be our own lover, partner, admirer and supporter, we start to generate these feelings from within and begin to really Know ourselves. This creates space for the authentic YOU to show up without neediness, blindness or grasping in relationships. This is the foundation for allowing your soul to resonate with other soul’s on your path; this is where unconditional Love meets her match and says “I love you, because I am love,” not because of what you can provide for me.
Big Light and Love